Eye candy of the week

The divine Ms. Katie, here at last night's UN-hosted "Raising Malawi" fundraiser, continues to raid my fantasy closet. Her geometric McQueen sheath makes me wanna fall in love with her all over again.Two of my favorites, ScarJo and Javier, doing the Grace/Jimmy thing in the new Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair. Chloë Sevigny in Elle UK modeling a Miu Miu so lovely (and hmm, so familiar...) I barely notice the retched pootie platform action going on down below.

Ripper-offers at Zara, please to take note of Rachel Roy's metallic mustard high-waisted skirt for one of your bazillion Fall collections. I'll take one in black, burgundy and gunmetal, too, if you have time. K'thanks.

Selma, Agyness -- lookie who just joined our club!

You might call it Angela-wear, but I *adore* this rosette-trimmed capelet from Koi Suwannagate's new Fall RTW collection.

After coming across this gem of a fun frock on Resurrection's website, I may have to make my way over to Mott St. while I'm in Manhattan this weekend...

Good to know even married supermodels have to walk off Saturday night shame now and again...

Ms. Teese upping the ante on stylish travel-wear. You say impractical, I say blueprint for next Friday's 6:05pm flight.

Rafaello's 'Lachey Way' aside, I plumb adore this long-time couple. I can only hope to one day find a man who looks this interested at a Fetherston fashion show...

I also adore this one on her own, especially when she takes a page from Ashley Olsen and pairs her breezy ballerina Marchesa dress with a slim-fitted LLJ.

Scarlett at her scrum-diddily-umptious-est (pt. II)

The second tranche of Louis Vuitton adverts featuring Scarlett Johansson was released yesterday, and all I can say is, just like the first group, these six photos do absolutely nothing to bring me on-board the the LV popularity train.

The bags are gratuitously emblazoned with the looky-at-my-designer-baggy logo I so can't stand, the clothes - red patent trench and black schoolmarm-meets-Dita-von-Teese pumps aside - have a confusing mix of Gone With the Wind and Boogie Nights influences, and then there are those cumbersome chunky bangle bracelets -- not my thing, any of it.

But at the end of the day, you have that beautiful face, that copious cleavage and a breathstopping melange of sex kitten expressions.

ScarJo may not make me want to fork over $2,395 for a shearling-trimmed top-handle, but she sure has me reaching for the remote to watch (for the billionth time) the opening scene of Lost in Translation...

10 reasons to love Natalie Portman

10. This crinkled-satin lucite-halter mini by Lanvin (charity event, 2007)

9. She loves dogs, America and evening sandals all in the same breath

8. She brings out a healthy dose of humility in every woman

7. She turned down ScarJo's breakout role

6. She has a degree (I said I was an education-ist)

5. She left Jude Law's cheating ass in Closer

4. This movie. Her character. That airport ending.

3. No one rocks make-up free and bald more beautifully

2. This gunmetal plunge gown by Lanvin (Academy Awards, 2005)

1. She spits dirtier rhyme than Bubba Sparxx

Scarlett at her scrum-diddily-umptious-est

Once again making Lindsay Lohan look even more like the trash-nasty scrap of coked-up, thinks-a-girl-has-to-be-naked-to-be-sexy B&T she rightly is in her released-this-week supermodel attempt, Scarlett Johansson full-court-presses all us ladies into bi-curious submission in these hot-n-fresh pics from her second round of adverts as the current Louis Vuitton spokestemptress.

Frankly, I don't like the shoes, clothes or any of the oversized, logo-emblazoned luggage pieces, totes, doctor-bag-satchels or quilted-purses featured in either this or her preceding LV campaign, but I must say, Miz Scah-lett never did look better. Or whiter, coincidentally.

And I especially dig this second one below, where ScarJo is lying on what looks like a satin-cushion-covered inverted benchpress with the "Oh pooh, doesn't Daddy want me to finish showing him how I spent all his money this afternoon?" expression we all know and use on occasion.

None of these ads make any interpretive sense to me, but at a visceral level, I'm learning quite a bit about my deep-seeded appreciation for the non-gymrat female form.

Instead of the Bieltastic ass, perhaps I should alter my New Year's resolution and try instead to acquire an all-around - save for the blonde - ScarJo-liciousness. And yes, that is the simplest, 1+1=2, can't-be-broken-down-any-further description I can come up with.

Like I have to tell you -- enjoy.

First round of campaign snaps from earlier this year:

Costume Institute Gala: best, worst & most disappointing

Best:

1. Lindsay Lohan (Zac Posen)

2. Rose McGowan (focus on the dress, not the face)3. Jennifer Lopez (Marchesa) 4. Sandra Bullock (Alberta Ferreti) 5. Iman (Emporio Armani)

Worst*

1. Ivanka Trump

2. Elizabeth Banks 3. Giselle Bünchen (YSL) 4. Renee Zellweger (Carolina Herrera) 5. Kirsten Dunst (vintage YSL)

*Jessica Simpson has her own category that goes beyond "worst"

Most disappointing:

1. Cate Blanchett (Balenciaga)

2. Scarlett Johansson (Stella McCartney) 3. Jennifer Garner (Valentino)4. Chloë Sevigny (Balenciaga)5. Julianne Moore (YSL)

Quote of the day: Pam Anderson

"Scarlett Johansson would definitely be my number one choice, but I doubt she would ever agree to do it."

(Pam Anderson, on who her ideal Playboy Playmate would be)

Unfortunately for all of us, I think Pammy is right on this one.

But don't fret, I see ScarJo getting "tastefully" nude in a Merchant-Ivory-esque film in the very near future. Women with bodies like hers don't like to be encumbered by clothes and accessories; nudity is their default, whether they're at home making microwave popcorn, splayed on a hotel room chaise watching Kindergarten Cop on HBO or climbing into bed with The Executioner's Song for a quick read-n-nap in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. I see her as the kind of woman who's already unbuttoning, unfastening and de-tucking her various articles of clothing before she even pulls her house key out of her handbag. Because of her why-wear-pants-if-I-don't-need-to? attitude, she's the kind of woman who would be just as likely to wear nothing but a trench to pick her man up from the airport as she would meet her girlfriend for coffee or head to CVS for a late-night pint of pineapple coconut Häagen Dazs.

While the prospect of never seeing Scarlett's lusciousness on the cover of a nudey-rag is certainly depressing, I think we can all agree that waiting for rewind-able, pause-able, slow-motion-able video footage is way worth passing on a few airbrushed-to-the-hilt stills.

Even after seeing Scarlett's not-so-lovely gams on-stage at the Coachella music festival last weekend, my fingers are still crossed she nabs the role Lindsay Lohan abandoned in the in-production Dylan Thomas biopic, The Best Time of Our Lives. Rumor has it there's a racy, nudity-required Keira Knightley/???/Matthew Rhys ménage à trois written into the script.

A beautiful Brit, a sexy Welsh and an American temptress -- now that sounds tasteful.

Scarlett doing her "coochie ups and downs"

I didn't think it was possible for me to crush any harder on Scarlett after I caught wind of her in-elevator hookup with Benicio del Toro at a post-Oscars party in the Chateau Marmont in 2004 (she was barely 19, he was almost 38), but after witnessing her ability to transform from the Rubenesque sex kitten we all know and lust after into the most delicious piece of "why can't I get this dress to show off my junk?" B&T trash you see below, I have fallen ever more deeply under her spell.

A woman with a killer body and a beautiful face is a rare one, indeed, but one with a killer body, a beautiful face and Jane-Curtin-like comedic timing -- now she's a keeper.

Scarlett, in all her ghetto-fabulousness on last night's "Saturday Night Live":

The Spring essentials (pt. I)

In every fashion magazine I've skimmed (InStyle, Allure, and Glamour) given a thoughtful once-over (W, Elle and Jane) and pored over in tireless detail (Bazaar and Marie Claire ) since February, I've come across no fewer than a dozen "2007's Five Spring Essentials" features.

Some of these "essentials" I agree with, some I don't, and some - chunky lucite bangles and berry-colored silk headwraps, for example - make me think certain editors have been trapped for far too long with far too few meals in the couture bubble that is the New York City, Paris, and Milan fashion circuit to really understand what the concept of "an essential" is anymore.

In my opinion, an essential is that which you hope to use not only this season but in seasons to come. An essential is an item that can transition easily from day to night, from he'll-do date to you-know-he's-the-one date, and from Lounge 201 happy hour to Town & Country post-symphony cognac. An essential is what it sounds like, an essential part of your wardrobe -- something once you own and enjoy the benefits thereof, you really couldn't live without it.

In no particular order, here are my picks - 10 of 'em, because I couldn't pare down to just 5 - for every DC working girl's Spring essentials:

1. A mid-length khaki trenchcoat

2. A patterned wrapdress

3. A short-sleeved tailored white oxford shirt

4. A non-denim, non-khaki pair of dress shorts

5. A high-quality bronzer

6. A pair of round-toed flats

7. A comfortable wide headband

8. A tissue-soft dress tee

9. A pair of three-plus-inch black peeptoes

10. An A-line skirt in a bright color

Justifications, descriptions, recommendations and the shortlist of items that came thisclose to making the cut to come tomorrow.

Until then, have a good long look at Scarlett.

Mmmm...Scarlett...

Best calves in the business

"Damn, those are nice calves..." aren't typically the first five words that pop into my head when I see a woman, famous or not, in heels and a skirt.

But when I saw this picture, I thought just that. Twice. And then said it out loud.

In part because of my tremendously high standards, in part because I'm territorial - you don't see Scarlett gushing over Lucy Pinder's rack, J.Lo swooning over Jessica Biel's ass or Sienna Miller carrying on about Hilary's Duff's eye makeup, after all - I don't tend to recognize nor reward the shapeliness, strength or overall perfection of a pair of calves unless they're attached to my own body. My justification for this is the same as why I so infrequently tuck dollar bills into thongs at Camelot -- the ladies haven't earned it.

But in this case, despite the frigid humorless bitch to whom these calves are attached, I cannot deny praise where praise is due, and here, in this black asymmetric off-the-shoulder Oscar de la Renta dress, in these patent-leather platform heels, and at this angle, this 37-year-old mother of two (and avid runner) has what I am now anointing, "the best calves in the business."

Though I fear she's unaware she peaked back in 1986 with her performance in every middle school kid's favorite indoor-recess film and has since been on a decline that can't be half as painful for her to experience as it was for us to sit through (think shitbombs like The Rockateer, Dark Water and especially A Beautiful Mind), at least she can proudly show her kids these pictures.

And then she can go back to saving the world one Blood Diamond, one hybrid minivan, one Hillary Clinton fundraiser at at time.