05 April 2007

Best calves in the business

"Damn, those are nice calves..." aren't typically the first five words that pop into my head when I see a woman, famous or not, in heels and a skirt.

But when I saw this picture, I thought just that. Twice. And then said it out loud.

In part because of my tremendously high standards, in part because I'm territorial - you don't see Scarlett gushing over Lucy Pinder's rack, J.Lo swooning over Jessica Biel's ass or Sienna Miller carrying on about Hilary's Duff's eye makeup, after all - I don't tend to recognize nor reward the shapeliness, strength or overall perfection of a pair of calves unless they're attached to my own body. My justification for this is the same as why I so infrequently tuck dollar bills into thongs at Camelot -- the ladies haven't earned it.

But in this case, despite the frigid humorless bitch to whom these calves are attached, I cannot deny praise where praise is due, and here, in this black asymmetric off-the-shoulder Oscar de la Renta dress, in these patent-leather platform heels, and at this angle, this 37-year-old mother of two (and avid runner) has what I am now anointing, "the best calves in the business."

Though I fear she's unaware she peaked back in 1986 with her performance in every middle school kid's favorite indoor-recess film and has since been on a decline that can't be half as painful for her to experience as it was for us to sit through (think shitbombs like The Rockateer, Dark Water and especially A Beautiful Mind), at least she can proudly show her kids these pictures.

And then she can go back to saving the world one Blood Diamond, one hybrid minivan, one Hillary Clinton fundraiser at at time.


Anonymous said...

Now, wait a minute. Before you start taking shots at JenCon, Missy.

I've got two points for you:
1) The profile shot of her in that curve hugging low-cut purple satin dress in The Rocketeer, when she's going on the date with Timothy Dalton's Errol Flynn-based villain; and

2)Career Opportunities (1991, probably before you were born) and the AMAZING white tank top. Good God. I can still remember feeling the blood drain from my extremities when I saw that (I was 26). No woman, at any time, or any place, has EVER done for a tank top what she did in that movie.

Delicacy forbids mentioning the mechanical horse scene, or the lying on the boy in the lavatory scene.

Johanna said...

It's not JenCon's looks I dislike. Hardly. She's gorgeous. Always has been. No argument there.

It's the fact that every time I see her interviewed on Letterman, Kimmel, Leno and O'Brien, she insists on talking about "her craft" like she's friggin' Sir Laurence Olivier. And once, when interviewed by E! about working with Djimon and Leo in "Blood Diamond," she got all huffy because the interviewer asked about their personalities, what they were like offset, etc., not their performances. She said something like, "Don't you find it tiresome asking what actors' lives are like?" I just wanted to scream "Shut the fuck up, Jennifer. You're an actress, not a brain surgeon." Sheesh.

And I'll have you know, I actually saw "Career Opportunities" in the theater! The "before you were born" bit actually works against you now...I wish it *had* been before I was born!

i think you're brilliant said...

She's got great calves, I'll give you that, but man, do something about those brows! They look like caterpillars crawling on her face. Yick.

bff in chicago said...

I'd sell my soul for those legs.

If I had a soul, that is.

a fan said...

YES! Someone who FINALLY agrees with me that 'A beautiful mind' was a load of crap! I've never said, "oh, come on!" more times in a film. Here's to telling Oscar-winning films (and actresses) they need to try harder!