What a difference a pair of textured sleeves make

Wow.

I mean, really, wow.

In an exquisite Erdem bejeweled lace mini with scalloped neckline, tiered sleeves and keyhole back paired with simple black Louboutin round-toeds, Keira Knightly, last night at the the Toronto Film Festival for the premiere of her upcoming release Silk, leaves me stunned and scratching my head.

For the first time in, oh I don't know, ever, I'm inclined to say the British beauty, who only a few days ago looked a whiter shade of death in a shredded Rodarte gown at the Venice Film Festival (see below), doesn't look to be in need of a nice long stay in the "middle aisles" at your local Safeway.

Judging from Ms. Knightley's previous, vehement-but-not-too-vehement-so-as-to-make-her-seem-defensive denials that she has an eating disorder, the fact that she was about this thin when she first entered the movie business and her recently forged association with an English organization whose primary goal is to improve self-esteem in young women, my guess is Keira's thinness isn't self-induced and that she just happens to be one of those individuals whose natural weight places her at a size zero.

What most intrigues me about Keira and her recent Chanel-heavy foray into fashion is not so much the choices she makes - some of which are divine, others not so much - but rather the dramatic effect these choices have on how she looks, physically.

To all those women who think they can't add curvage to their buh-dunk-a-dunk or distract attention away from their chunky-monkey muffin-top simply by wearing (or not wearing) certain cuts, fabrics and styles, I encourage you to take a tip or two from Keira, the queen bee of optical illusory dress.

Now, I know, I know you're probably thinking it's a lot easier for someone as thin as Keira to look a bit more rounded-out in the torso than it would be for someone of Queen Latifah's carriage to pull off a slim silhouette, and perhaps you're right (though the Asian women in my family might disagree with you), but the point I'm trying to make isn't lost -- clothes can make a difference.

For more of Ms. Knightley's self-made transformation from frail to fabulous, see below:

Quote of the day: Keira Knightley

"Those things certainly weren't mine. We had an interesting discussion when they said, 'We want to make them slightly larger and you'll get approval' and I was like, 'OK, fine. I honestly don't give a shit -- I don't have any tits, so I can't show cleavage."

(Keira Knightley on her PhotoShopped left tit in the new Chanel Coco Mademoiselle advert in an interview with British newspaper, The Sun)

And for evidence of Keira's first brush with an airbrushed bosom, see the King Arthur poster, before and after, below:

Keira gets her wish. Sort of.

Way back when, British darling Keira Knightley expressed a desire to have a body like 'The Gossip' chanteuse Beth Ditto, calling her form both "sexy" and "amazing."

To be honest, I'm gobsmacked at the thought of someone experiencing even a fleeting want to clock in with an off-the-chart BMI (much less a want so pronounced that it might drive a person to make an on-the-record statement in regards thereto), especially when the individual doing the wanting has clearly and deliberately chosen an, oh I don't know, less indulgent path, but as my Mom would say, "Oh, Johanna, those Hollywood types -- they don't really think anything through."

I guess not.

Unfortunately for her but fortunately for the rest of us, Keira decided not to throw herself into a full-body Beth makeover in her new, very nude and very controversial Chanel Coco Mademoiselle advert.

Why so controversial? Well, you see the curvature of that sweet bit peeking out from underneath the bowler? Yeah, that's no so much Ms. Knightley as it is a result of Photoshop wizardry -- a trick of the trade with which this actress is well-versed, having been a victim of "add-ons" in both her King Arthur and Pirates of the Caribbean movie posters.

This time around, there were no high-powered producers and publicists making last-minute changes in an attempt to more effectively appeal to broad swaths of the "bigger is better" American population. Quite to the contrary, in fact, for it was Karl Lagerfeld, the creative force behind the House of Chanel (maybe not the fragrance line, but whatever), who has notoriously and consistently shrugged off and even railed against the concept of "too skinny." That being so, I've come to the conclusion that Keira's digitally enhanced rack was the result of that other desire she so publicly divulged in a TV interview two weeks after the Beth Ditto comments.

Good for you, Keira, but here's a hint -- you could get some real tits - ones that actually stay put after the photoshoot - if you actually put on a stone or two.

Quote of the day: Keira Knightley

"I would love to have tits! More than anyone else's, I would love to have Monica Bellucci's figure, [but] I'm never going to get it. I'm naturally who I am."

(Keira Knightley, discussing her "ideal body" in a recent GMTV interview)

Two more reasons to adore Keira Knightley:

(1) she uses the word "tits" in on-air interviews

and

(2) she too considers Monica Bellucci's body the ideal female form

You SO wish, Biel.

This fine piece of British badunkadunk doesn't belong to Sienna Miller or Keira Knightley.

And good guess, but no, it's not the backside of Billy Zane's insanely hot girlfriend, "actress" Kelly Brook, either.

Believe it or not, but this bah'um - born to Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov - has won an Oscar, two Golden Globes in a single year (three total), and perhaps most impressive of all, has been around for six decades and change.

That's right, this sweet behind (and those fierce black toenails) belongs to none other than 62 year old Dame Helen Mirren.

Until I discovered Ms. Mirren this past year, I blindly believed the line I heard other parents feeding their defeated children when I outperformed them year after year in the Grammar Bees, the Student Government elections, and the from-home-plate-to-second-base throwdowns:

"Nobody wins everything, honey, somewhere along the line, she's going to lose, too."

Now, I suppose that has been true in my case (there was that one time...), but certainly not in Helen's. Not when it comes to professional success or hotness longevity, anyway. To jog your memory, this is the woman whose rack, without the benefaction of surgery, still looks unfathomably perky and full as an ingenue's half her age.

A fabulous ass, a tremendous chest, a happy marriage of 21 years and that elegant accent?

Now I know exactly how the other kids felt.

Quote of the day: Pam Anderson

"Scarlett Johansson would definitely be my number one choice, but I doubt she would ever agree to do it."

(Pam Anderson, on who her ideal Playboy Playmate would be)

Unfortunately for all of us, I think Pammy is right on this one.

But don't fret, I see ScarJo getting "tastefully" nude in a Merchant-Ivory-esque film in the very near future. Women with bodies like hers don't like to be encumbered by clothes and accessories; nudity is their default, whether they're at home making microwave popcorn, splayed on a hotel room chaise watching Kindergarten Cop on HBO or climbing into bed with The Executioner's Song for a quick read-n-nap in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. I see her as the kind of woman who's already unbuttoning, unfastening and de-tucking her various articles of clothing before she even pulls her house key out of her handbag. Because of her why-wear-pants-if-I-don't-need-to? attitude, she's the kind of woman who would be just as likely to wear nothing but a trench to pick her man up from the airport as she would meet her girlfriend for coffee or head to CVS for a late-night pint of pineapple coconut Häagen Dazs.

While the prospect of never seeing Scarlett's lusciousness on the cover of a nudey-rag is certainly depressing, I think we can all agree that waiting for rewind-able, pause-able, slow-motion-able video footage is way worth passing on a few airbrushed-to-the-hilt stills.

Even after seeing Scarlett's not-so-lovely gams on-stage at the Coachella music festival last weekend, my fingers are still crossed she nabs the role Lindsay Lohan abandoned in the in-production Dylan Thomas biopic, The Best Time of Our Lives. Rumor has it there's a racy, nudity-required Keira Knightley/???/Matthew Rhys ménage à trois written into the script.

A beautiful Brit, a sexy Welsh and an American temptress -- now that sounds tasteful.

Keira Knightley might be WAY meaner than I am

"When Beth was performing, she started taking all her clothes off. I stood there watching her strip, thinking, 'Oh my God, that woman is so sexy.' She has the most amazing body."

(Keira Knightley, 5'8"/105 lbs, commenting on Beth Ditto, 5'1"/210 lbs)

For those of you who aren't familiar with Beth Ditto (shown arm-in-arm with Kate Moss below), she's the lead singer of the white-hot British band The Gossip, the current #1 placeholder on NME Magazine's 'Cool List,' and oh yeah, she's also the one who's built quite a reputation for herself getting her strip on on-stage and sharing with her fans the gorgeousness that is a sweaty obese woman swathed - and often de-swathed - in nylon, Lycra and poly-acrylics.

Look, I'm all for encouraging women of all sizes to gain confidence through accepting - no, loving - their bodies, so even though I personally don't think it'd be too pretty, I enthusiastically tip my hand to Beth for doing whatever naked dance it is she does up there behind the microphone.

As for Keira, that gorgeous girl needs to shut her pout when it comes to praising women nine times her size. Even if her motivations were good, which I actually believe they were, until she stops burning off all 400 calories she consumes every day having hours of artsy Tantric lovah sex with her greasy boy-tart, anything and everything that comes out of her mouth remotely like this comment is going to sound at best perplexing and at worst just plain mean.

So Keira, please, please call a time-out from the Yab-Yum position, eat a MetRX bar and some toaster strudels and start practicing what you preach.

Sometimes ugly-all-over just works

How else do I explain my bizarrely positive reaction to this photo of Keira Knightley with her looks-like-Orlando-but-isn't beau, Rupert Friend, as they stroll all lovey-dovey and Duran-Duran-like through London's Piccadilly Square yesterday afternoon?

Style Scorecard:

Black opaque tights with open-toed gold t-strap sandals -- minus one (it's that same "Hillary Clinton is a shrew" conundrum -- you just know you're right)

Holey jeans and flip-flops -- minus two (you're not in college anymore, pretty boy, grow up and buy some jeans that didn't come from the Fly Girls wardrobe and shoes that don't expose your hairy hobbit toes)

Shapeless gingham shirt dress and oversized matchy-matchy red cardigan -- minus three (how dare that selfish bitch hide her size-zero figure when there are so many desperate size-eights out there who'd give anything to see a bit of rib or jutted-out hipbone?)

Man purse -- plus one/minus one (seems wrong but I'm attracted to the confidence it takes to rock it)

Stupid straw hat -- plus one (it's only stupid because I know I couldn't pull it off)

You know, after the breakdown, I think I've come to the realization Keira and Rupert's success isn't borne out of ugly-cancels-out-ugly but rather the fact that they're both just really beautiful people. She could have full-on scabies and he could be wearing khakis and a golf shirt, and still, they'd be the most knockout couple in the crowd.

The best piece of evidence to support this conclusion - that ugly doesn't definitively cancel out ugly - is a photo of the already defunct marriage of hideousness that was Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell.

Gross, I know.