Cannes and should do better next year

I've been waiting all week for the Palme d'Or to be handed out and thus mark the end of the seven days informally known as the week when Sharon Stone goes extra crazy in a-too-young-for-someone-half-her-age wardrobe.

My anxiousness for the grand award had nothing to do with the films themselves but rather the final parade of evening couture. I needed this last red carpet song-and-dance so that I could finally cobble together my "loved it," "hated it" and "WTF?" categories.

So here they are, the good, the bad and the plastic tit-cones:

Loved it

I love the deep teal color, the fluid drape and the contrast of the burgundy waist-cinch on this silk jersey column gown

(Kerry Washington at the De Grisogono Party)

I wish Andie had worn her hair in a more upswept fashion and chosen a richer color that didn't make her beautiful alabaster skin look so washed out, but other than that, from the tasteful - and age-appropriate - cleavage to the like-a-glove fit, this subtle seafoam-green Versace chiffon confection is picture-perfect.

(Andie McDowell at the My Blueberry Nights premiere)
As I've said before, Eva's upper-body was made for the strapless neckline, and this exaggerated sweetheart Lanvin gown with black mesh overlay and patent leather belt is a perfect choice to remind people of that fact. I love how she never wears necklaces and allows all the attention to go to her natural - and best - assets: her skin and sculpted shoulders.
(Eva Mendes at the We Own the Night premiere)

Hated it
I don't quite understand how the diminutive vertical ruffles on this tiered Marchesa gown could make tiny-as-a-sparrow Kerry Washington look plus-size from the waist-down, but oh goodness, does it ever. The dress itself is quite pretty, but an on-the-hanger aesthetic does not always translate to a figure-flattering fit.
(Kerry Washington at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Maybe it's that I don't have a "trained eye" for fashion, but I have never found this kind of mismatched front and back hem length pleasing to look at. The diagonal stripes on the bodice of this Hervé Léger isn't doing Jess' girls any favors, either.

(Jessica Simpson at the My Blueberry Nights premiere)

This is a Miss USA evening-gown-competition dress. Miss New Jersey's evening-gown-competition dress.

(Rose McGowan at the amfAR AIDS benefit)

WTF?

Mesh paneling on an already sexed-to-the-gills bustier minidress? Psychedelic platform wedges? Somewhere at this premiere, a confused Bai Ling is wandering around wearing Kylie's chiffon gown and Louboutin slingbacks.

(Kylie Minogue at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

First, you have the gall to don an Elie Saab the reigning queen of the red carpet gown knocked out of the park fewer than six months ago. Second, you degrade it with chunky turquoise jewelery and disheveled surfer-girl hair. No wonder Leo didn't want to accompany you down the carpet...

(Israeli model Bar Rafaeli at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Even if Hofit's dress had covered a good three inches more of those orbs of hers, this candy apple red with beaded belt still wouldn't have been passable by Cannes standards. It's very junior prom chaperone, very Rizik's-display-window. And for those of you who live outside DC, no, that's not a good thing.

(Israeli model Hofit Golan at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Dita, why the plastic tit-cones? Had you left your hotel without those things, hands-down you would have been in the first group.

(Dita von Teese at the Dolce & Gabbana party)

The Brazilian bonus

If this week's booked-solid schedule at Blue Mercury in Dupont Circle is at all representative of how many women across the country are balding their bits in preparation for tomorrow's inauguration of the pre-summer bake-a-thon, aestheticians from Oklahoma City to Lansing to Providence must be as exhausted as Rose McGowan's plastic surgeon.

Well, almost.

For those who don't program into their Microsoft Outlook calendar a recurring, every-five-weeks "Brazilian with ________" reminder, you might be surprised to find out it is not the physical act of spreading, ripping, spreading, ripping, plucking, spreading, ripping and powdering that an aesthetician finds most energy-depleting. On the contrary, that's the easy part -- that's the pie.

The draining part, as devoted reader and beautifier-extraordinaire J will tell you, is having to be every customer's sounding-board on issues ranging from I-hate-my-boss to I'm-in-love-with-a-married-man to I-hate-that-my-married-boss-can-only-give-it-to-me-Monday-through-Thursday. Or, if you frequent the Blue Mercury in Georgetown, it'll be more along the lines of I-think-I'm-bored-with-lunching-and-the-League and I-just-don't-think-this-new-nanny-is-going-to-work-out professions.

I can't say I'm any better at resisting the confessional effect that the combination of soft-lighting and wincing pain in the vicinity of the vah-jay-jay causes a woman, especially when I'm the kind of person who even without those lull-me-into-submission spa accoutrement will hold an audience with the line-up of Sunday morning day-laborers outside the paint store next to Whole Foods on 15th/P St. who wanted nothing more than to see my C-cups up-close but instead got an earful of my wah-wah-wah "I love him. I really really love him. That's why I can't let myself move on -- he was special, you know? He was the one." inner-dialogued pity party.

So yeah, barring specific individuals' names, as part of her $72 fee ($60 + $12 tip), Arika gets to listen to more minutia about my tawdry DC existence - i.e. hot Saturday nights with John Seigenthaler and his collection of in-the-clink props and sound effects - than practically anyone in my Treo's contacts list.

More than anyone who's gotten as much face-time down-there, anyway.

Costume Institute Gala: best, worst & most disappointing

Best:

1. Lindsay Lohan (Zac Posen)

2. Rose McGowan (focus on the dress, not the face)3. Jennifer Lopez (Marchesa) 4. Sandra Bullock (Alberta Ferreti) 5. Iman (Emporio Armani)

Worst*

1. Ivanka Trump

2. Elizabeth Banks 3. Giselle Bünchen (YSL) 4. Renee Zellweger (Carolina Herrera) 5. Kirsten Dunst (vintage YSL)

*Jessica Simpson has her own category that goes beyond "worst"

Most disappointing:

1. Cate Blanchett (Balenciaga)

2. Scarlett Johansson (Stella McCartney) 3. Jennifer Garner (Valentino)4. Chloë Sevigny (Balenciaga)5. Julianne Moore (YSL)

Where I'll be tonight

April 6th has finally arrived. I may be in the MItten-state instead of DC, but I'll still be in the middle seat of the middle row cheering hard for Cherry Darling (McGowan), Abernathy (Dawson) and even though he won't be on-screen, director of the first-half of this double-feature - Planet Terror - my new man crush, the delicious, baby-young, 39 year old Robert Rodriguez.

Not that it matters to me, but for those of you who need good reviews to justify forking over $10.75, try this and this. See, it's good. Go see it. And then dream about how bad-ass it would be to have a stripper girlfriend with a machine-gun leg.

Mmmm...machine-gun leg...

The uncut Grindhouse trailer, here below for you to enjoy:

Rosario and Rose -- *almost* perfect.

There's nothing I don't love about the concept of this cover.

Ammo-belt dresses? Check.

Hot naked brunettes with come-hither expressions? Check.

Hot naked brunettes' asses touching ever so slightly? Check.

The words "bad girls" placed on-level with their lady-bits? Check.

Token NOT hot female listed so as not to piss off the fat chicks? Check.

Perfect, right?

Actually, not quite...

With all the liberties magazine editors have taken lately to make ugly less so on their covers (see examples one, two and three), couldn't they have done a little bit more to make circa-2007 Rose McGowan look a little more circa-2000 Rose McGowan? I know she got in some kind of car accident a few months ago that wonked up her eye - and apparently shaved off half her body weight - but really, this was the best shot of her from the roll?

I thought I was looking at a picture of Rosario Dawson back-to-back with the VHS cover of Mommy Dearest until I put my glasses on.

I'm just praying Rose's facial deterioration isn't the result of some witch-spell Marilyn Manson cast on her when she left his ass back in 2001. Not because I give a whit about her, but because I fear for my precious Dita.