Still down for the count...

Despite yesterday's feeble attempts at existing, I am sorry to report I am still quite near the precipice of death and thus won't be joining you today or probably even tomorrow for our regularly schedule blog posts.

For serious, if you don't believe me, ask any one of my friends who had the displeasure of hearing the emphysema-plus-bronchitis-plus-Demi-Moore tenor of my voice at any point during the past 96 hours.

Not pretty.

Anyhoo, enough about me (and that means no more text messages with photos of my thermometer under self-pitying subject headings like "boo :-("), while I'm away please to check out all the prettiness going on in Paris this week and the links at right I've labeled "inspiring irreverence" -- particularly the most recent addition, an often witty, always spot-on, brand new blog plainly named, "Stuff White People Like."

I laughed particularly hard at numbers 28, 47 and 63.

Oh, and number 20, of course. So true!

A final tip of the hat to Jon Stewart's only funny quip of the Oscar broadcast -- his deadpan-delivered praise of Cate Blanchett, an actress whose range is so wide, he waxed, she even played the role of the pitbull that attacked Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men.

Funny stuff.

staying away for real this time,
Johanna

The good, the bad, the where-the-hell-are-they?

Waiting (im)patiently for photographs to emerge online, but for sure, my favorites, not so favorites and biggest question marks (so far) of the night, include:

Good
(1) Portia de Rossi in a nude, perfectly draped Lanvin confection (at an after-party)
(2) Rosamund Pike in a one-shouldered, butter-hued Roland Mouret column gown
(3) Keri Russell in a nude, very structured, strapless Nina Ricci dress (the ball-gown bottom overlooked because of those tremendous shoulders!)


Bad
(1) Sarah Larson in the pastel floral Valentino gown Shania Twain almost wore in the "You've got a way" video
(2) Cameron Diaz, ponytailed and tan-lined, in a very wrinkled strapless Dior gown
(3) Daniel Day Lewis' wife in...(gape mouthed)...uh...I'm not quite sure... (her dress later identified as Christian Lacroix Haute Couture)


Where the hell are they?
(1) Penelope Cruz (found! she arrived late in a black, feathery strapless Chanel number!)
(2) Nicole Kidman (found! she also arrived late in black but with straps and an ice storm around her neck)


Hair
(1) Best: Jennifer Garner (sideswept, asymmetric shy-eye bangs -- an unfussy up-'do)
(2) Worst: Katherine Heigl (think the 'body wave' all our Moms sported in the '80s)

Love the neckline, "eh" on the rest

Debuting what looks to be the color of the evening, Ms. Heidi Klum goes Texas pageant big on the red carpet with this one-of-a-kind John Galliano designed gown.

Not loving the hair (too Winehouse) and not loving much from the waist-down (too Beyoncé), but honestly, this woman is one of the few who could walk around in Uggs and a denim mini and still look charming.

If I could, I would pare the four bolts of expanding red taffeta down to one and a half - enough for a slim-fit cut that hits just past the knees, offering the very in-shape Mommy of three a still very sophisticated, still very eye-catching, yet markedly less Alexis-Carrington-at-a-Christmas-gala silhouette.

Oooh, I see that Hannah Montana has finally arrived! Let's hope she channeled age appropriateness!

This is what we call a "warm-up"

Let me be clear, no matter what I'm about to say during the outfit deconstruction of ASJiNE favorite Sienna Miller at the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica last night, I am over the moon to have seen this recently elusive London doll make it onto the traditional Oscar Eve blue carpet.

Relieved is more like it, actually.

I do love myself a good indie flick -it's no coincidence I live within walking distance of here- but it's not Miller's "Interview" nod or her appearance therefor that lured me out of my den of sick and got me typing. Believe it or not, it's not even her could it be any more me? textured halter-neck Monique Lhuillier LBD, her sunny glow or her fresh, nothing-but-mascara (looking) makeup palette.

No, what's really got my still seriously feverish body all a-gleeful is that one of my non-Oscar-nominated, non-Oscar-presenting style stars is in the vicinity of Hollywood the night before O-Day.

In other words, here is the evidence I need to be assured that later on tonight, I'll for sure see Ms. Miller walk the real Hollywood carpet, the one that shares the shade of Marilyn's pout, Rita's locks and Vivian's dress.

As for Sienna's overall look here, I'm not such a big fan. To begin, the dress is a size too big, and not just in one or two alter-able regions but everywhere. Then there's the clutch, whose combination of seafoam and alligator smacks of Mommy-dress-up to me. And the ankle-strap pumps? Upmarket though they surely are, they seem awfully dated, more than a tad too boardroom, and just plain ol' mismatched for a flirty, Chantilly-overlay cocktail frock.

All that aside, the most frustrating and unforgivable offense is Sienna's violation of the cardinal rule of the showpiece neckline with those unruly, undone beach waves of hers.

If the strep throat demons hadn't stripped me of my voice, you better believe I'd be more than mouthing, "PULL IT BACK!" at my screen right now.

For more snaps of Sienna in her pretty but ill-fitted dress, Working Girl shoes, Easter sermon clutch and disrespectful hair at the IFC Awards, see below:

Dangblasted shoddy $20 Kroger flu shot!

(I call this look, "Every side is my good side, Mr. Oscar")

My fewer than five hours of sleep a night streak, refusal to recognize the merits of a Winter-appropriate sleeve length and tights-are-tantamount-to-trousers attitude have finally caught up with me.

Every sick symptom you can think of, I've got it and I've got it bad.

I tried to analyze through the fever and wit my way through the chills, but after an hour of writing the flattest and most flat-out tedious comparison between the ultimate work pump and the ultimate older man, I had no choice but to admit defeat and trade my Indian-style sit and MacBook Pro for a couch crash and "Entrapment" on HBO.

A girl's gotta rest for the three plus hours of real-time blogging during her absolute favorite event of the year, don't you know.

So unfortunately for me, I have to spend an entire Friday (and likely tomorrow, too) in oversized sweats drinking tea instead of coffee and wanting so very badly to exercise but knowing if I tried I'd end up teeth first into the treadmill belt.

But fortunately for you -or for those of you who come here because you actually enjoy me- the nice editor Em over at DC Goodwill Fashionista has chosen today as the day to post my 'Blog the Blogger' profile, so if you want to read my answers to her "soon-to-be Famous Five (plus one)" questions, click on over to her stylish slice of the Interwebs here and check it out.

sleep long and well, ditch the sleeveless dresses 'til Spring and give pants a try,
Johanna

Kind of a major letdown

Scarlett wasn't there.

Sienna wasn't there.

Natalie wasn't there.

Out of my five perennial red carpet favorites, only two - Cate and Penelope - showed up to show off at this year's Academy Awards.

What's even more disappointing than not getting to gaze at Scarlett's heaving chest, Sienna's glorious back and Natalie's perfect face, however, is the recent photographic evidence I've come across that shows Natalie may be losing her style touch.

And if she's not careful, her spot in my top five as well.

I'm all for Philip K. Dick-inspired risks like this and this, but when you show up to Georgio Armani's Armani Privé pre-Oscar party/fashion show in a cheap-looking LBD with Bedazzler detailing and ankle strap shoes, both of which I'm pretty sure I saw at Delia's - and then on two girls at my 1994 and 1995 Homecoming and Sadie Hawkins dances, respectively - you are click-click-clicking on very thin fashion ice.

If that weren't bad enough (which it is), the next night at the Vanity Fair Oscar after-party at Morton's, Natalie showed up once again strapped up in leg-shortening ankle-strap heels and a wrong-as-can-be, busy-as-hell LBD with side pleats made from a different material than the body of the dress, some kind of butterfly-looking neckline, and a waist-cinch that wasn't doing its job and that made the itty-bitty actress look like a 28 when she's really a 25.

Eva Mendes is waiting in the wings, Natalie. Tread carefully...

Give it a chance

After hours of fruitless searching, here, finally, is a picture of the scooped-out back of Gwyneth's apricot-hued Zac Posen gown (plus, a couple of closeups of the impressive fit and the detailing on the front):

Jesus H. Christ

There was a big-ass black bow below the caboose of this train-wreck, too.

Sheesh.

The second best-dressed couple

Gratuitous, I know, but how adorable are we?

Don't worry, I let him take the tux off as soon as the photo shoot ended and gave him a puppy-safe treat from Mommy's ridiculously lavish Oscar buffet as compensation for his cooperation.

(photo credit goes to L, my steadfast snarky celebrity-watching partner)

Worst five

These aren't in any particular order, mainly because I couldn't decide between Kirsten Dunst in Chanel and Beyoncé in Armani Privé not only whose dress was the bigger mistake but also who most egregiously grandstanded their worst feature.

Wonky teeth or knees the size of basketballs -- you decide.

And no, I don't feel bad for including 10 year old sweet-as-berry-pie Abigail Breslin in this group. The bodice of her dress looks like one of the planters from my Malibu Barbie pool house. I expected more from her handlers.

The biggest disappointment of the night is Anne Hathaway's black and white WTF Valentino gown. After On Demand-ing The Devil Wears Prada for the third time today, I figured she would be in my top five, maybe even crack the top three, but nuh-uh, not in this column dress with white lace overlay and awkwardly large black bow that is smack dab in front of - and prohibitively blocking - Ms. Hathaway's spectacular rack.

And then there's Jada Pinkett-Smith in her brassy-gold strapless corseted Carolina Herrera number. I wouldn't hate this dress as much if it was on a less annoying woman and didn't have those two superfluous miniature bows on the bodice. Actually, I'm pretty sure she'd end up in my bottom five no matter what she wore.

She's that annoying.

Enjoy.

Best five

My far and away favorite on the red carpet tonight is Nicole Kidman in her cherry red Balenciaga halter gown. The bold color is perfect, the simple cut and form-fitted drape are perfect, and the drama of the exaggerated bow and red metallic trim are startlingly unexpected but still, perfect.

Put simply, she looks just as a Hollywood starlet should.

If I had to choose four others and it wasn't an option to simply say Nicole's name four more times, I'd have to give nods in the direction of Cate Blanchett in another liquid metal Armani Privé column gown, the stylish unit I wouldn't mind getting in between that is Daniel Craig and Satsuki Mitchell, J.Lo in a I-thought-I-hated-it-but-I-actually-kinda-love-it empire waisted jewel-tastic Marchesa gown, and finally, Gwyneth Paltrow in her gauzy apricot, please-check-out-the-back-before-you-judge-it Zac Posen confection.

Enjoy.

Casual never looked so alluring.

Because I consider Oscar night as serious and as endurance-necessary an event as a Princeton dual-race, I stayed in last night, ate a well-balanced sugar-free dinner, opted for Fresca over Stella and went to bed at a reasonable 11:30pm.

I had planned to On Demand "An Inconvenient Truth" - pretty much the last nominated film I'd yet to take in - but in the end, I just couldn't fork over $3.99 to spend my Saturday night learning about diminishing ice-caps and indirectly supporting Cameron Diaz going makeup-free at yet another hybrid-required green carpet event.

No, instead, I flipped to channel 49 and caught one of the 365 films chosen by the TCM network as part of their "31 Days of Oscar."

Rarely can I ever catch a film in its entirety on cable, but last night the stars aligned - and why wouldn't they on Oscar-eve? - and I was able to watch for the first time all 150 sweeping minutes of the Meryl Streep, Robert Redford classic, Out of Africa.

Not since The English Patient has khaki casual looked so divinely inviting.

Whether toiling in the coffee fields, on safari in the bush or sipping whiskey with Denys in wicker porch chairs listening to Mozart on the gramophone, Baroness Blixen was head-to-toe the lady in varying degrees of fitted khaki, rolled-sleeved oxford shirts, distressed caramel-colored riding boots and when the occasion called for it, simple structured hats and waist-cinched tea-length sheaths. In short, the perfect country-house attire.

It takes a quite a film - and quite a costuming director's eye - to make this can't-live-without-bronzer girl want to trade the Fendi high-waisted crepe trousers she doesn't even have yet for dust-stained dungarees and her sideswept bangs for sweat-stuck tendrils.

Then again, it might be because I assumed those matted tendrils came with a complimentary wash-and-rinse and Coleridge recitation from Mr. Redford.

It's down to the final fitting...

Not that any of you need a reminder, but tomorrow at this hour we'll be in the midst of the red carpet arrivals for Oscar Night 2007.

I'm most looking forward to Cate, Penelope, Natalie, and Scarlett's gown choices, but honestly, on Oscar night, surrounded by a buffet of homemade finger foods and the women in my life whose love for all things celebrity is almost on par with my own, I'm pleased as punch to see just about anyone traipse through that flash-bulb gauntlet in their borrowed jewels, double-stick tape and freshly-injected Restylane.

Even Kathy Griffin.

Red carpet coverage will be televised on nearly every network starting at 6pm, but the awards themselves are exclusively shown on ABC beginning at 8pm.

Also, the best supporting actor and actress awards are no longer handed out first and second, respectively. Instead, they now join the best original/adapted screenplay, director, actor, actress and film awards in the last hour, which is presumably but not always between 10 and 11pm.

Full coverage of who I think the best dressed bitches on the block are can be found here tomorrow shortly after 6pm.

FYI: Monte's coat and tails are made by Pup-n-stuffs and his smoldering expression was completely unprompted