Worst five

These aren't in any particular order, mainly because I couldn't decide between Kirsten Dunst in Chanel and Beyoncé in Armani Privé not only whose dress was the bigger mistake but also who most egregiously grandstanded their worst feature.

Wonky teeth or knees the size of basketballs -- you decide.

And no, I don't feel bad for including 10 year old sweet-as-berry-pie Abigail Breslin in this group. The bodice of her dress looks like one of the planters from my Malibu Barbie pool house. I expected more from her handlers.

The biggest disappointment of the night is Anne Hathaway's black and white WTF Valentino gown. After On Demand-ing The Devil Wears Prada for the third time today, I figured she would be in my top five, maybe even crack the top three, but nuh-uh, not in this column dress with white lace overlay and awkwardly large black bow that is smack dab in front of - and prohibitively blocking - Ms. Hathaway's spectacular rack.

And then there's Jada Pinkett-Smith in her brassy-gold strapless corseted Carolina Herrera number. I wouldn't hate this dress as much if it was on a less annoying woman and didn't have those two superfluous miniature bows on the bodice. Actually, I'm pretty sure she'd end up in my bottom five no matter what she wore.

She's that annoying.

Enjoy.

Best five

My far and away favorite on the red carpet tonight is Nicole Kidman in her cherry red Balenciaga halter gown. The bold color is perfect, the simple cut and form-fitted drape are perfect, and the drama of the exaggerated bow and red metallic trim are startlingly unexpected but still, perfect.

Put simply, she looks just as a Hollywood starlet should.

If I had to choose four others and it wasn't an option to simply say Nicole's name four more times, I'd have to give nods in the direction of Cate Blanchett in another liquid metal Armani Privé column gown, the stylish unit I wouldn't mind getting in between that is Daniel Craig and Satsuki Mitchell, J.Lo in a I-thought-I-hated-it-but-I-actually-kinda-love-it empire waisted jewel-tastic Marchesa gown, and finally, Gwyneth Paltrow in her gauzy apricot, please-check-out-the-back-before-you-judge-it Zac Posen confection.

Enjoy.