If I had a sugar daddy...

Satin bow platform runway pumps by Chanel
$1,050 in Chanel stores only

Keira gets her wish. Sort of.

Way back when, British darling Keira Knightley expressed a desire to have a body like 'The Gossip' chanteuse Beth Ditto, calling her form both "sexy" and "amazing."

To be honest, I'm gobsmacked at the thought of someone experiencing even a fleeting want to clock in with an off-the-chart BMI (much less a want so pronounced that it might drive a person to make an on-the-record statement in regards thereto), especially when the individual doing the wanting has clearly and deliberately chosen an, oh I don't know, less indulgent path, but as my Mom would say, "Oh, Johanna, those Hollywood types -- they don't really think anything through."

I guess not.

Unfortunately for her but fortunately for the rest of us, Keira decided not to throw herself into a full-body Beth makeover in her new, very nude and very controversial Chanel Coco Mademoiselle advert.

Why so controversial? Well, you see the curvature of that sweet bit peeking out from underneath the bowler? Yeah, that's no so much Ms. Knightley as it is a result of Photoshop wizardry -- a trick of the trade with which this actress is well-versed, having been a victim of "add-ons" in both her King Arthur and Pirates of the Caribbean movie posters.

This time around, there were no high-powered producers and publicists making last-minute changes in an attempt to more effectively appeal to broad swaths of the "bigger is better" American population. Quite to the contrary, in fact, for it was Karl Lagerfeld, the creative force behind the House of Chanel (maybe not the fragrance line, but whatever), who has notoriously and consistently shrugged off and even railed against the concept of "too skinny." That being so, I've come to the conclusion that Keira's digitally enhanced rack was the result of that other desire she so publicly divulged in a TV interview two weeks after the Beth Ditto comments.

Good for you, Keira, but here's a hint -- you could get some real tits - ones that actually stay put after the photoshoot - if you actually put on a stone or two.

'Cause I got Britain on me mind today...

Thank goodness for this picture.

After Sienna's multiple WTF appearances in Rome last week, I was prepared to accept the fact that one of my very favorite style darlings had taken not just a dip in the crazy pool but a full-on off-the-high-dive bellyflop thereinto.

But here (sigh of relief), yesterday, at the Tribeca Grand Hotel for the New York City premiere of her new Steve Buscemi-helmed film, Interview, she didn't just redeem herself in this prim, proper and perfectly-fitted black Chanel strapless sheath with a lace-overlay bustline, pencil-skirt and patent-leather cinch, she sent my expectations soaring into territories just shy of Cate Blanchettown.* I mean, who knew the befreckled, swears-like-a-sailor London lass who not only usually epitomizes that whole boho-chic look but frankly, was the co-inspiration therefor with these two back in the Summer of 2005, had it in her to transform from this (just hours before the premiere) into the polished lady I see here.

In fact, the only thing I can think of that looks better than Sienna in this dress is Interview itself:

*she would have made there, had she chosen these shoes (in black) instead...

Worst five

These aren't in any particular order, mainly because I couldn't decide between Kirsten Dunst in Chanel and Beyoncé in Armani Privé not only whose dress was the bigger mistake but also who most egregiously grandstanded their worst feature.

Wonky teeth or knees the size of basketballs -- you decide.

And no, I don't feel bad for including 10 year old sweet-as-berry-pie Abigail Breslin in this group. The bodice of her dress looks like one of the planters from my Malibu Barbie pool house. I expected more from her handlers.

The biggest disappointment of the night is Anne Hathaway's black and white WTF Valentino gown. After On Demand-ing The Devil Wears Prada for the third time today, I figured she would be in my top five, maybe even crack the top three, but nuh-uh, not in this column dress with white lace overlay and awkwardly large black bow that is smack dab in front of - and prohibitively blocking - Ms. Hathaway's spectacular rack.

And then there's Jada Pinkett-Smith in her brassy-gold strapless corseted Carolina Herrera number. I wouldn't hate this dress as much if it was on a less annoying woman and didn't have those two superfluous miniature bows on the bodice. Actually, I'm pretty sure she'd end up in my bottom five no matter what she wore.

She's that annoying.

Enjoy.