14 August 2007

Keira gets her wish. Sort of.

Way back when, British darling Keira Knightley expressed a desire to have a body like 'The Gossip' chanteuse Beth Ditto, calling her form both "sexy" and "amazing."

To be honest, I'm gobsmacked at the thought of someone experiencing even a fleeting want to clock in with an off-the-chart BMI (much less a want so pronounced that it might drive a person to make an on-the-record statement in regards thereto), especially when the individual doing the wanting has clearly and deliberately chosen an, oh I don't know, less indulgent path, but as my Mom would say, "Oh, Johanna, those Hollywood types -- they don't really think anything through."

I guess not.

Unfortunately for her but fortunately for the rest of us, Keira decided not to throw herself into a full-body Beth makeover in her new, very nude and very controversial Chanel Coco Mademoiselle advert.

Why so controversial? Well, you see the curvature of that sweet bit peeking out from underneath the bowler? Yeah, that's no so much Ms. Knightley as it is a result of Photoshop wizardry -- a trick of the trade with which this actress is well-versed, having been a victim of "add-ons" in both her King Arthur and Pirates of the Caribbean movie posters.

This time around, there were no high-powered producers and publicists making last-minute changes in an attempt to more effectively appeal to broad swaths of the "bigger is better" American population. Quite to the contrary, in fact, for it was Karl Lagerfeld, the creative force behind the House of Chanel (maybe not the fragrance line, but whatever), who has notoriously and consistently shrugged off and even railed against the concept of "too skinny." That being so, I've come to the conclusion that Keira's digitally enhanced rack was the result of that other desire she so publicly divulged in a TV interview two weeks after the Beth Ditto comments.

Good for you, Keira, but here's a hint -- you could get some real tits - ones that actually stay put after the photoshoot - if you actually put on a stone or two.


Anonymous said...

This is all a load of nonsense, I'm afraid.
Keira never expressed a desire to look like Beth Ditto. She said that she had been to a concert with her and thought she was sexy. That's all.

She did sort of say she'd like to have Monica Bellucci's figure, but then remarked that even that was the wrong way to go about it. The important thing is to learn to accept what you are.

As for the supposed breast enhancement in this new Chanel ad...
There isn't any. The lighting, posture and bowler placement all consipire to make the most of her rather small breast. But it's all perfectly in line with what's been seen in her previous nude pictures.

intern in the city said...

I still think she looks sickly.

Johanna said...


She may not have said specifically she wanted to look like Beth, but she was quoted as saying she'd "love to start eating crap, stop working out to get to a size 12."

Coupled with the Beth Ditto comment, sorry, I jumped to a conclusion.

And I don't know which candid shots of Keira you're lookin' at, but all the ones I've seen on the beach in a bikini or braless walking through Picadilly Square show nary a hint of boobage. But you're right, the magic of lighting can be, well, *magical*.

Anonymous said...

I cannot claim to hang on Keira Knightly's every word, but maybe your mother needs to give her a bit more credit for thinking about what she's saying. Could it be that Keira is keen to not contribute to the very unhealthy practice we have of telling all girls and women that they must be stick thin? So she tells us that all sorts of shapes can be sexy.


Johanna said...


Since I can't use my Mom's real name, I'll just say..."Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!" and the message should be clear.

But in all seriousness, I think it's just as unhealthy for someone to praise Keira's frame as it is Beth Ditto's. Neither falls within a healthy BMI range and neither, in my opinion, serves as a good body image role model for any woman of *any* age. And to be clear, to those of you who assume this is my vanity speaking, I'm not simply talking from an aesthetic point of view -- the athlete in me looks at both women and wants to add them together and divide by two.


nyc admirer said...


I'm a fairly liberal guy when it comes to finding women of "all shapes and sizes" sexy, but this Beth Ditto pushes it over the edge. I look at her, and all I see is Type 2 diabetes and early on-set heart disease. Not in any way, shape or form is that sexy.

I encourage Keira to stick to her adoration for Monica.

brown bear '02 said...

Love it. Agree with it 100%. Too fat is just as unhealthy as too thin, not to mention just as unpleasant to look at. Given the choice, I'd probably take Keira's figure (who am I kidding?), but I'm inclined to agree with NYC on this one...Monica, at a size 8 or so, is far more attractive than either of these women.

Anonymous said...

You are a superficial bitch and I hope you develop a thyroid condition that plumps you up from the anorexic size 2 you currently are to a bed rest requried size 22. You deserve whatever misery you get, and you should pray that none of your shapelier readers ever meet you scrawny ass on the street, because I can promise you we won't be as friendly as the ones you met last weekend.

Marsha said...

Anonymous said... at 11:08 am:

You need to control yourself and watch what you are saying. You are obviously insecure with being "shapelier" and seriously, it's not a healthy thing to be overweight.

Learn to be nice if you think others are not being so kind. Stop being such a hater.

K said...

Just wanted to put my hand up and say, "I'm a shapely reader who does NOT find Johanna to be a superficial bitch."

Who's with me?

Teek said...

Now now, round is a shape, too.

I'm closer to plus size than a size two, and I don't find Johanna offensive, any more than I find, say, Family Guy offensive. It's a delightful kind of offense, like a faint pleasant tickling on the guilt-o-meter. If you can't laugh at orthopedic pumps on 20 year olds, I don't want to be right.

(Plus, I'm fairly convinced that even though I have a few inches and pounds on her, Johanna could kick my ass AND run faster than me. Or Beth Ditto. In Stilettos.)

georgia said...

Johanna, you're officially famous. You've got people who read the blog just to hate on you and others who are constantly on the lookout for Johanna sightings downtown. (And yes, our girl crushes on you make us feel like stalkers.) Nice job, Lady...even your mom is famous now. How's that dress she's make coming along anyway? We want to see it!

Anonymous said...

Let me clear up two things:

I never said that Keira's stick-thin frame was healthy. And i certainly never said I found Beth sexy. (No sane man would reject Monica b over either of them.)

And Keira is not saying that all women should be a size 16+ (or 4-) because it's healthy.


dara said...

I'm with K and Teek here. I'm a size 12 and have never found Johanna to be prejudiced against women of a curvier shape. If anything, I think she encourages us to take advantage of our shape by wearing curve *enhancing* clothing. Beth Ditto is not "curvy," "shapely" or any other euphemism the PC Patrol wants to label her with. I don't know much about her and how sexy her onstage persona is, but if there is one thing I can tell is that she is obsese and dangerously so.

Alisha said...

I would like to add to dara and teek and say that Johanna shouldn't be tossed to the mat here because she's speaking her mind and being honest but not offensive on HER OWN BLOG. I think that discussions on body image in the past few years have become as emotional as religion and politics--and people therefore need to calm their shit down when relatively innocuous posts like this incite such a response.

I'm with Johanna on this one. If there's a cupcake in front of me, you can bet I'll plant my face in it, but I still think there's something unbearably hilarious about someone tipping the scales at three bills riding a segway. We need to start being a little more realistic and a little less sensitive about our own insecurities when it comes to topics like this.

Alisha said...

one more thing--if Keira does actually want to slap on the lbs, she could heed all-too-apropos words of Beth Ditto--

"Women aren't cats, we aren't pets, we are just people trying to cross the freaking street to get an ice-cream."

source: Wikipedia

Dave said...

I'm completely enamored with "Anonymous said..." He or she reads a personal blog that he/she clearly hates. Few people do that. She completely misinterprets Johanna's post and assumes that everything Johanna writes is 100% exactly what she feels. Not only does Johanna get this person to hang on her every word, but she offends her so much that she needs to write an evil scathing reply. Imagine being offended by a blog that doesn't personally insult you. Even more, Annonymous is so offended that she has to post annonymously. Thus, Johanna gets to be out there warts and all, while Annonymous chooses to show nothing.

Johanna, you rock.

Johanna said...

anonymous 11:08-

Whoah, I am SO not a size 2, nor am I in the least bit scrawny. Don't give credit where credit isn't due.


Thank you for your kind defenses. I'm glad you can hate me, love me and crush on me all in the same breath. I dedicate C's cartoon to all of you.


I thought that quite an accomplishment as well, getting someone who clearly hates me to read me (and my comments!) so closely and consistently.

You rock, too :-)

nighty night,

west coast devotee said...

It's posts like this that make me thank God we're friends. Preach that anti-obesity gospel, my sister!

By the way, I saw Paris on Robertson Blvd. the other day. Hate to say it, but she's very striking in person.