15 May 2007

Who the flip is in charge of this?

Jessica Alba, getting too skinny but okay.

Scarlett Johansson, oh yeah.

Jessica Biel, mmm...cutting it close, but fine.

Ali Larter, kinda d-list, but I can see it.

Eva Mendes, no question - yes with a capital "Y".

Eva Longoria, annoying as f**k but I guess she has a pretty face.

The six women listed above make up places 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 on Maxim's newly-released, annual "Hot 100" list.

These are the ones, for better or worse, that make sense. Now we move on to the remaining four, some of whom are more curious choices than others:

Lindsay Lohan (1)
Christina Aguilera (4)
Rihanna (8)
Fergie (10)

Let's look at Lindsay and Rihanna first. Both clearly have good looks and good bodies, that's not up for debate, but what they don't have is what other women like the majority of those listed above and Vanessa Minnillo (34), Adriana Lima (53), Kim Kardashian (97), Marisa Miller (not on list) and Monica Bellucci (not on list) have as well, which are outstanding looks and outstanding bodies.

The belly-baring coke-bloat youngness of LiLo and the bootyliciousness of Rihanna beating out the feral sexiness of Angie (12) and the just-wanna-kiss-her-ness of Penny (58) is one thing (it is Maxim, not Esquire, after all), but Christina and Fergie cracking the top 10 is nothing short of hotness blasphemy. Their inclusion literally boggles my pretty little mind. I suppose, if you added them together, subtracted Christina's makeup, Fergie's face, Chrstina's bad boob job, Fergie's face again because once wasn't enough, Christina's synthetic highlighter-yellow hair, Fergie's Meth mouth and Christina's Tang-like glow, you might have a hot piece of something, but still, these two over Carmen Electra (28)? Come on, now. The jig is up.

Granted, I haven't read the article's fine print in which it assuredly explains in U.S.-News-&-World-Report-style detail how these rankings were determined through the assignment of discrete hotness indicators (e.g. face, legs, ass, etc.) relative weights of said indicators (e.g. face = 30%; attitude = 25% ass = 20%; legs = 15%; chest = 10%) and most important, the description of the process through which such qualitative pieces of data were translated into objective, quantitative figures.

I'm sure once I do my homework and work through Maxim's thorough research plan, all my questions will be answered. In the meantime, I'm gonna grab a smoothie and contemplate my own, boys-allowed "Hot 100".


bff in chicago said...

Han - every single woman on here aside from Marisa and Scarlett are exotic, buxom brunettes...methinks you have a type, and it's called YOURSELF!

but I love you anyway, you self-absorbed little temptress :)

uh, yeah, thanks for calling last night. Wasn't looking forward to it at all. Didn't keep "Mom Swap" and "Nanny 911" on mute in anticipation or anything.

Johanna said...

Shit, you caught onto that?

Someone else has accused me of that (and often), but he did so with a lot less disdain than you did. His was more like, "your ultimate fantasy would be to be with yourself -- that's pretty hot." And it was. *Is*, I mean.

sorry, totally forgot. will call tonight, I promise!

intern in the city said...

My boyfriend and I are 100% in agreement with your taste: brunette, olive-skinned, long haired and thin but not too thin.

Anonymous said...

that sounds like a proposition to me...

brown rowergirl said...

I don't think Lindsay is pretty at all anymore. Eva Mendes shoulda been the one to walk away with the title. She's the hot version of Jessica Alba.

dc girl said...

Fergie must've slept with the entire Maxim staff to get on that list. She is tragic looking.

Noelle said...

Although she's constantly breaking the rules of good taste, there's something of Christina Aguilara that I find really sexy. I think it's her voice...