Eye candy of the week

The divine Ms. Katie, here at last night's UN-hosted "Raising Malawi" fundraiser, continues to raid my fantasy closet. Her geometric McQueen sheath makes me wanna fall in love with her all over again.Two of my favorites, ScarJo and Javier, doing the Grace/Jimmy thing in the new Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair. Chloë Sevigny in Elle UK modeling a Miu Miu so lovely (and hmm, so familiar...) I barely notice the retched pootie platform action going on down below.

Ripper-offers at Zara, please to take note of Rachel Roy's metallic mustard high-waisted skirt for one of your bazillion Fall collections. I'll take one in black, burgundy and gunmetal, too, if you have time. K'thanks.

Selma, Agyness -- lookie who just joined our club!

You might call it Angela-wear, but I *adore* this rosette-trimmed capelet from Koi Suwannagate's new Fall RTW collection.

After coming across this gem of a fun frock on Resurrection's website, I may have to make my way over to Mott St. while I'm in Manhattan this weekend...

Good to know even married supermodels have to walk off Saturday night shame now and again...

Ms. Teese upping the ante on stylish travel-wear. You say impractical, I say blueprint for next Friday's 6:05pm flight.

Rafaello's 'Lachey Way' aside, I plumb adore this long-time couple. I can only hope to one day find a man who looks this interested at a Fetherston fashion show...

I also adore this one on her own, especially when she takes a page from Ashley Olsen and pairs her breezy ballerina Marchesa dress with a slim-fitted LLJ.

Eye candy of the week

One of the time-saving tricks I've learned over the past year is that when a picture strikes me as blogworthy -no matter if I have or haven't a post in mind for which it will be of use- I always save it to a folder on my desktop labeled, "eye candy."

For days like this one when I don't have time to put together a thoughtfully written piece, that folder sure does come in handy.

Below you'll find my highlights from this week's prettiest, unused photos.

Enjoy.

The 40-year old First Girlfriend of France, Carli Bruni, from both the front...
...and the back. (well played, Mssr. Sarkozy)
The new Esquire cover. Even women will have a hard time tearing their eyes away from this leg-fest...
Miss Dita arriving at the Jardin des Tuileries for the Dior Haute Couture show on Monday......and Lacroix on Tuesday......and Gaultier on Wednesday...My favorite men's look of the RTW season (from Lanvin):My favorite women's look of the Haute Couture season (from Lacroix):
A take-your-breath-away photo from the Sartorialist:
Dita's Mouret sheath, Claudia's long, long limbs and Vick's Louboutins -- perfection.

Little girl's all grown up

Happy 35th birthday, lovely Dita von Teese.

You inspire in all of us - the meek, the uptight, the humorless and the puerile - a desire to be milky white, sexually powerful, uninhibited seductresses like yourself.

And apparently, you're also using your feminine wiles to spread your love for neutering! While championing that cause may incur the wrath of my wittle Monte-ster, you definitely score points with me, in part because I fundamentally agree with the practice but largely because I fundamentally agree with the art direction in that ad campaign.

Rrrrrrowrrr.

Oh god, YES.

Celebrities really do have it good.

Not only do they get to experience the sorts of vacations most of us only read about when we break down and buy an issue of Travel+Leisure at the airport, but they also get a whole lot of free shit.

Free sunglasses, free premium denim, free makeup, free Giuseppi Zanotti resort sandals -- even free custom-made Vivienne Westwood cocktail dresses.

For those of you who share my eye and a magnet-like mind for useless celebrity trivia, you'll recognize right away Dita von Teese's stunning, perfectly-draped-over-her-perfect-body red satin frock as an incarnation of the original runway version in a nude, matte-silk crepe Hilary Duff wore - and I fawned over at exhaustive length - last March.

I love the red lips and nails and how strikingly they offset the burlesque performer's signature Geisha-white skin and jet-black locks, but the shoes, I must admit, were not a Dita-worthy selection. I understand the whole throwback-to-a-different-era look after which she's going, but matchy-matchy then worked about as well as matchy-matchy now.

In short, badly.

Plus, with a shoulder-baring cut such as the one she's donning, an open-toed shoe is nothing if not required, especially given yesterday's 90-degree Manhattan heat.

Next time Dita, just remember you're a celebrity and are expected to indulge in the you-ask-they-give arrangements for which your greedy and beautiful brethren are widely known.

Were I you, I'd have your people ring the Brian Atwood people post-haste.

Because it was for sale, and I like to buy things

http://www.aseriousjobisnoexcuse.com/

But be forewarned, the individual posts' direct links don't work quite yet.

Cannes and should do better next year

I've been waiting all week for the Palme d'Or to be handed out and thus mark the end of the seven days informally known as the week when Sharon Stone goes extra crazy in a-too-young-for-someone-half-her-age wardrobe.

My anxiousness for the grand award had nothing to do with the films themselves but rather the final parade of evening couture. I needed this last red carpet song-and-dance so that I could finally cobble together my "loved it," "hated it" and "WTF?" categories.

So here they are, the good, the bad and the plastic tit-cones:

Loved it

I love the deep teal color, the fluid drape and the contrast of the burgundy waist-cinch on this silk jersey column gown

(Kerry Washington at the De Grisogono Party)

I wish Andie had worn her hair in a more upswept fashion and chosen a richer color that didn't make her beautiful alabaster skin look so washed out, but other than that, from the tasteful - and age-appropriate - cleavage to the like-a-glove fit, this subtle seafoam-green Versace chiffon confection is picture-perfect.

(Andie McDowell at the My Blueberry Nights premiere)
As I've said before, Eva's upper-body was made for the strapless neckline, and this exaggerated sweetheart Lanvin gown with black mesh overlay and patent leather belt is a perfect choice to remind people of that fact. I love how she never wears necklaces and allows all the attention to go to her natural - and best - assets: her skin and sculpted shoulders.
(Eva Mendes at the We Own the Night premiere)

Hated it
I don't quite understand how the diminutive vertical ruffles on this tiered Marchesa gown could make tiny-as-a-sparrow Kerry Washington look plus-size from the waist-down, but oh goodness, does it ever. The dress itself is quite pretty, but an on-the-hanger aesthetic does not always translate to a figure-flattering fit.
(Kerry Washington at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Maybe it's that I don't have a "trained eye" for fashion, but I have never found this kind of mismatched front and back hem length pleasing to look at. The diagonal stripes on the bodice of this Hervé Léger isn't doing Jess' girls any favors, either.

(Jessica Simpson at the My Blueberry Nights premiere)

This is a Miss USA evening-gown-competition dress. Miss New Jersey's evening-gown-competition dress.

(Rose McGowan at the amfAR AIDS benefit)

WTF?

Mesh paneling on an already sexed-to-the-gills bustier minidress? Psychedelic platform wedges? Somewhere at this premiere, a confused Bai Ling is wandering around wearing Kylie's chiffon gown and Louboutin slingbacks.

(Kylie Minogue at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

First, you have the gall to don an Elie Saab the reigning queen of the red carpet gown knocked out of the park fewer than six months ago. Second, you degrade it with chunky turquoise jewelery and disheveled surfer-girl hair. No wonder Leo didn't want to accompany you down the carpet...

(Israeli model Bar Rafaeli at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Even if Hofit's dress had covered a good three inches more of those orbs of hers, this candy apple red with beaded belt still wouldn't have been passable by Cannes standards. It's very junior prom chaperone, very Rizik's-display-window. And for those of you who live outside DC, no, that's not a good thing.

(Israeli model Hofit Golan at the Ocean's 13 premiere)

Dita, why the plastic tit-cones? Had you left your hotel without those things, hands-down you would have been in the first group.

(Dita von Teese at the Dolce & Gabbana party)

Let me help you max out your/his credit card

Because so many of you have e-mailed and asked me where, why and how I pick my "Sugar Daddy" and "Since I don't (yet)" items, I thought I'd temporarily step outside my territorialist self and provide for you the URL of every online boutique in my soon to be not-so-secret cache.

For those three items that pry me out of bed - and my puppy's loving paws - each morning, I've put together a separate list for each for your convenience.

Yes, I know there are repeats. No, they are not in any particular order. I thought to alphabetize them about halfway through this endeavor but realized I'd rather spend that 10 minutes looking up online who won the Food Network's "Award Cakes Challenge," the last five minutes of which I missed last night due to his Highness' strategically-timed and apparently incapable-of-even-a-short-delay need to use the facilities.

Oh, and yes, that is another gratiuitious photo of Dita von Teese. I couldn't find one of her - or Monica or Scarlett - making an online purchase, so this had to do.

Happy shopping!

Shoes:

1. http://www.zappos.com/*

2. http://couture.zappos.com/

3. http://www.net-a-porter.com/

4. http://www.nordstrom.com/

5. http://www.endless.com/

6. http://www.lorisdesignershoes.com/*

7. http://www.shoepavilion.com/

8. http://www.pinkmascara.com/

9. http://www.saks.com/

10. http://www.amazon.com/

11. http://www.stevemadden.com/

12. http://www.katespade.com/

13. http://www.toryburch.com/

14. http://www.plazatoo.com/

Swimwear:

1. http://www.victoriassecret.com/

2. http://www.lisacurran.com/*

3. http://www.shopbop.com/

4. http://www.dianesbeachwear.com/

5. http://www.swimwearboutique.com/

Lingerie:

1. http://www.agentprovocateur.com/*

2. http://www.victoriassecret.com/

3. http://www.thelittleflirt.com/

4. http://www.barenecessities.com/

5. http://www.chicmystique.com/

Clothing (department stores)

1. http://www.saks.com/*

2. http://www.neimanmarcus.com/

3. http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/

4. http://www.bloomingdales.com/

5. http://www.macys.com/

6. http://www.dillards.com/

Clothing (boutiques):

1. http://www.shopbop.com/*

2. http://www.net-a-porter.com/*

3. http://www.activeendeavors.com/*

4. http://www.eluxury.com/

5. http://www.couturecandy.com/

6. http://www.lisakline.com/

7. http://www.ronherman.com/

8. http://www.miostile.com/

9. http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/

10. http://www.pinkmascara.com/

11. http://www.azaleaonline.com/

12. http://www.urbanchiconline.com/

13. http://www.asos.com/

14. http://www.topshop.com/*

15. http://www.daszign.com/

16. http://www.revolveclothing.com/*

17. http://www.edressme.com/

18. http://www.shopatmilk.com/

19. http://www.shopchantal.com/

20. http://www.southmoonunder.com/

21. http://www.betseyjohnson.com/

22. http://www.scoopnyc.com/

23. http://www.blondette.com/

24. http://www.girlshop.com/

25. http://www.patriciafieldonline.com/

26. http://www.anthropologie.com/*

27. http://www.freepeople.com/

28. http://www.toryburch.com/

29. http://www.shoshanna.com/

30. http://www.shopintuition.com/

31. http://www.shopkitson.com/

32. http://www.bluefly.com/

33. http://www.burberryusaonline.com/
34. http://www.styleviolet.com/

35. http://www.shopemilygrace.com/

36. http://www.intermixonline.com/

37. http://www.hornfashion.com/

38. http://www.fashionchateus.com/

39. http://www.store.irissinger.com/

40. http://www.shopbutante.com/

41. http://www.bigdropnyc.com/

42. http://www.shopjake.com/

43. http://www.satineboutique.com/

44. http://www.lagarconne.com/

45. http://www.blaec.com/
46. http://www.couturelab.com
47. http://www.bluebee.com
48. http://www.otteny.com
49. http://www.nationaljeancompany.com/
50. http://www.lisyb.com

*your editrix's favorites

Not even a *little* wicked, Dita?

"I don't really have much of a wicked streak in me. My wicked moments I usually leave for times when I'm on stage, [but] I have a bit of a naughty streak in me. I've got a little bit of the good witch and a little bit of the bad witch in me."

(Dita von Teese at a party last night for the musical Wicked at Social Hollywood in response to People Magazine's typical half-provocative, half-retarded question, "Can you relate to the theme of the evening?")

With wickedness out, I guess "naughty" will have to do.

And yes, it is taking every last ounce of good judgment and willpower to keep me from touching her "little bit of the good witch and a little bit of the bad witch in me" comment.

How did I not know about this?

As close as I've kept my ear to the ground for all things celebrity-related, I somehow missed that my number two lady crush penned her second book last year on burlesque and fetish, simply but aptly entitled, "Burlesque and the Art of the Teese" (front cover) and "Fetish and the Art of the Teese" (back cover).

I'm no expert, not even a novice, when it comes to this kind of lifestyle, but I must admit, the more I learn about it and the more outfits like this, this and this I see, the more I find myself drawn to it.

And yes, I am about to go to Borders armed with a 20%-off coupon to scoop up this placed-on-hold treasure chest of high-resolution Teese-me glossies, a highlighter and a box of those multi-colored tabs.

This is going to be just like when I had to read and take careful notes on all those academic articles for grad school on neo-realism, denial and deception strategy and the Just War theory except WAY more interesting.

And with more booby pictures.

I'd tell you to "enjoy" this small taste but methinks that would be pretty patronizing.

'Cause it's been a while.

Contrary to what my patient devotion for a certain individual has taught me, I suppose good things can come to those who wait. That was my first reaction, anyway, to these much-awaited photos of my number two lady love, Ms. Dita von Teese, who looked glamorous and elegant and delectable as ever at celebrity blogger Perez Hilton's birthday party last night in Las Vegas at The Palms' Moon Nightclub.

Gwyneth Paltrow, Laura Linney, Rachel McAdams, Christina Ricci -- all of these women buck Hollywood's tanorexic trend by spending 12 months out of 12 months without a hint of sun-kissed color. While I've always recognized and envied their willpower to remain pale, it wasn't until I began crushing on Dita, a fellow Michigander I've recently discovered, that a woman with a penchant for alabaster skin has made me seriously consider cutting back a few hours a week on my summer-time bronzing efforts.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely sold on the idea of beach umbrellas and SPF 45, but I also can't deny the drama in the contrast between Teese-me's white skin and red lips and her white skin and the black of her deep-plunge long-sleeve Rita-esque cocktail dress. The red-on-white-on-black elevates her look to a level of high-class old-world sophistication someone with the same standout figure with a Mystic Tan - or even a natural, well-earned Maui tan - could never achieve.

Unfortunately for the health of my sun-addicted skin, I could only read about her famously saucy "Birds of Paradise" burlesque performance; had I actually been able to see how her skin looked firsthand against a blood red crystal-encrusted chest-baring bustier, I'm near positive it would have been enough to motivate me to throw out my five bikinis, jumbo bottle of SuperStars Super Sheen Bronzing Mist ($18 at sephora.com) and the coupon magnet-ed to my fridge for a free 10-minute helix session at Solar Planet on 21st and P.

I apologize for my carelessness.

Just minutes after posting my last post, it hit me where I'd seen Dita's blouse.

Because the only picture I saw of Teese-me was from the chest up, I didn't realize that what I thought was a blouse was actually the top half of a dress I'd singled out and praised during my Bryant Park phase.

As you can clearly tell, Dita was not wearing my *perfect* blouse but rather an equally perfect Monique Lhuillier cocktail dress from the designer's not-yet-released-in-stores Fall/Winter 2007 collection.

I promise to be more careful in the future.

The *perfect* blouse (pt. II)

Call me obsessed, accuse me of lacking perspective, but after seeing two of my favorite women wearing my perfect blouse - Biel-tastic in the jewel-blue version and now Dita von Teese in a pewter incarnation with an albeit slightly different neckline and sleeve - I'm even more convinced I was meant to own this silk cap-sleeved deep-pleat shell. If in the next few months I see Penelope, Rachel, Scarlett or Monica stepping out in my blouse in another color that complements my wardrobe components, I've decided it'd be best to just quit my job as an analyst, buy a Vespa with a side-pod (and these, of course -- safety first) and cross the country looking for this elusive top full-time.

As a cheer-me-up, here's a photo of Teese-me that allowed me to temporarily forget my frustration and channel all this emotion to my sudden simultaneous desires to eat cherries, keep my puppy close by and do nothing but lounge about all day in my unmentionables.