The good, the bad, the where-the-hell-are-they?

Waiting (im)patiently for photographs to emerge online, but for sure, my favorites, not so favorites and biggest question marks (so far) of the night, include:

Good
(1) Portia de Rossi in a nude, perfectly draped Lanvin confection (at an after-party)
(2) Rosamund Pike in a one-shouldered, butter-hued Roland Mouret column gown
(3) Keri Russell in a nude, very structured, strapless Nina Ricci dress (the ball-gown bottom overlooked because of those tremendous shoulders!)


Bad
(1) Sarah Larson in the pastel floral Valentino gown Shania Twain almost wore in the "You've got a way" video
(2) Cameron Diaz, ponytailed and tan-lined, in a very wrinkled strapless Dior gown
(3) Daniel Day Lewis' wife in...(gape mouthed)...uh...I'm not quite sure... (her dress later identified as Christian Lacroix Haute Couture)


Where the hell are they?
(1) Penelope Cruz (found! she arrived late in a black, feathery strapless Chanel number!)
(2) Nicole Kidman (found! she also arrived late in black but with straps and an ice storm around her neck)


Hair
(1) Best: Jennifer Garner (sideswept, asymmetric shy-eye bangs -- an unfussy up-'do)
(2) Worst: Katherine Heigl (think the 'body wave' all our Moms sported in the '80s)

This is what we call a "warm-up"

Let me be clear, no matter what I'm about to say during the outfit deconstruction of ASJiNE favorite Sienna Miller at the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica last night, I am over the moon to have seen this recently elusive London doll make it onto the traditional Oscar Eve blue carpet.

Relieved is more like it, actually.

I do love myself a good indie flick -it's no coincidence I live within walking distance of here- but it's not Miller's "Interview" nod or her appearance therefor that lured me out of my den of sick and got me typing. Believe it or not, it's not even her could it be any more me? textured halter-neck Monique Lhuillier LBD, her sunny glow or her fresh, nothing-but-mascara (looking) makeup palette.

No, what's really got my still seriously feverish body all a-gleeful is that one of my non-Oscar-nominated, non-Oscar-presenting style stars is in the vicinity of Hollywood the night before O-Day.

In other words, here is the evidence I need to be assured that later on tonight, I'll for sure see Ms. Miller walk the real Hollywood carpet, the one that shares the shade of Marilyn's pout, Rita's locks and Vivian's dress.

As for Sienna's overall look here, I'm not such a big fan. To begin, the dress is a size too big, and not just in one or two alter-able regions but everywhere. Then there's the clutch, whose combination of seafoam and alligator smacks of Mommy-dress-up to me. And the ankle-strap pumps? Upmarket though they surely are, they seem awfully dated, more than a tad too boardroom, and just plain ol' mismatched for a flirty, Chantilly-overlay cocktail frock.

All that aside, the most frustrating and unforgivable offense is Sienna's violation of the cardinal rule of the showpiece neckline with those unruly, undone beach waves of hers.

If the strep throat demons hadn't stripped me of my voice, you better believe I'd be more than mouthing, "PULL IT BACK!" at my screen right now.

For more snaps of Sienna in her pretty but ill-fitted dress, Working Girl shoes, Easter sermon clutch and disrespectful hair at the IFC Awards, see below:

There has to be an Oscar ceremony, there just *has* to be

I don't know about you, but what I witnessed walking down the SAG Awards red carpet last night did nothing for me.

Well, not nothing but pretty darn close to it.

My feeling is, if we're expected to endure Giuliana and Debbie's highly sycophantic, over-the-top "You look amaaaazing, girl -- how you keep yo'self so teeny-tiny?" interviews with some of the most annoying women in the industry -namely Eva Longoria(-Parker), Amanda Bynes and Nikki Blonsky- I better be able to de-numb my senses with some gorgeous gowns, sky-high stilettos and sparkly four-figure box clutches.

What I'm saying is, fantasizing about Javier Bardem, Viggo Mortensen, Josh Brolin and James Gandolfini -separately and collectively, I admit- should not have been the highlight of my pre-show.

Here below you'll find the two dresses that made me shake my head the least, the five that made me shake my head the most and the three that with a bit of tweaking could have been so much more than they were.

Keep in mind, I graded these looks in the same way all my college and graduate school professors graded my essays -- with a very generous bell-curve. In other words, someone in the sea of so-so had to get an 'A'. That's just how the system works.

Without further ado, here's what is hopefully the junior varsity version of February 24th's big game:

The Best

Marg Helgenberger in a stunning one-shouldered number*

Michelle Pfeiffer in blissfully simple Versace


The Worst

Lisa Rinna in a Cavalli-looking Jenny Packham

Jenna Fischer (braless) in Collette Dinnigan

Nikki Blonsky (Spanx-less) in IGIGI

Jane Krakowski, dress and gumball necklace by Malandrino

Chandra Wilson in sequins overload


The 'Would've been better if...'

...she'd gone up a size on top AND worn a bandeau bikini on her last vacation
Vanessa Williams in Escada

...she'd nixed the bow and chosen a less voluminous (i.e., column) skirtSandra Oh in a modern take of a Korean hanbok

...she'd left the dress un-brooched and taken the time to get a pediMarcia Cross in Monique Lhuillier

*if only she'd pulled her hair back in a low-'n-tight chignon to better show off that fantastic patent leather detailing...

Where has all the good taste gone?

Bad shoes.

They're not just in DC and not just on the feet of middle-aged secretaries and stay at home Moms who consider their wide-strapped nubuck Mephisto sandals the perfect "goin' out" complement to their J. Jill 'Wearever' separates.

No, even the youngest, most well-paid, and in some cases, truly stylish stars are prone to an off day when it comes to footwear.

Below are what I consider the 10 worst offenses (so far) of 2008.

Enjoy as best you can...

If you'd picked the silver fox instead of the young waiter, you'd probably have made off with a nicer parting gift than these clompers...

All your heavy, heavy sadness must require a lot of moonboot cushioning, huh?

How very uncharacteristically Del Boca Vista of you, oh stylish one...

Burberry plaid + pointy-toe = one more reason why I never buy magazines with you on the cover...

She's the last person I'd expect to rock a B-'n'-T espadrille of this uglitude...

As amazing as your pins are, m'dear, the French tips and cork heeled prom shoes have me leaning toward team LC...

Thankfully, the rest of you doesn't fit at all with the Mary-Poppins-gone-bondage theme you've created from the ankle down...

I would've loved these when I was 15...oddly enough, the last time I loved you was when I was 15!

Only you and Tamra from "Real Housewives" would rock this kind of tacky sh*t...

Not only are you inept at counting, but you also can't seem to tell the difference between Broadway kicks and red carpet heels...

Forgive me, but...

I was just about to put the final touches on my follow-up to the "Duhn't" piece from last Wednesday when I had the deeply painful misfortune to come across these pictures below.

And frankly, as much as I want to keep my word and show you examples of Lindsay/Mary-Kate/Rihanna/Paris on more flattering days, I really can't do much of anything right now due to the fact that my eyes are bleeding.

This woman swung her third style strike with me back in the late '90s with this gem, so it's not like I'm devastated or surprised or anything like that, but still, this dress is an amateurish compilation of fit, color and fabric mistakes that even she should have recognized.

At your own risk, Beyoncé at 'Movies Rock 2007' earlier this evening in a skin-tight mermaid-style satin bodystocking by Zac Posen:
You know, hon, I wouldn't give them that angle, either...

Just 'cause you like it duhn't mean you should wear it

Oh Linds, it's not even your Tang-glow I'm focused on here...
Different day, different shoes, same issue.

Different day, different beverage, still the same issue.

I know I'm not the only one who sees the silhouette of a paint-roller here...

I'm not sure which is more perplexing, that Rihanna chose it or that Zac Posen designed it.

Stretch velvet stretched across your mid-section -- not in theory and definitely not in practice.
My expectations for Beyoncé to wear anything figure-flattering are so low that I almost didn't include her in the bunch. This look is pretty much par for the course for her, after all. My only request is that she please give satin a rest -- it never has been and never will be a "zaftig girl" fabric.

* check back later to see these women on better days. Though I must warn you, I can't promise I'll be able to find one for the hot mess, er House of Dereon above

Miley on my mind

I'm not gonna lie, when I was 14 years old - the age 'tween sweetheart Miley Cyrus was in the picture above - I threw this same coy expression at older men in grocery stores, sneaked second-glances at my Father's tweed-'n'-leather-elbow-patched colleagues as I took their coats at our annual holiday party, and of course, then there was the meticulously built Gene Hackman shrine before which I knelt each night to pray to whomever was listening that I might one day have the opportunity to take him in all his Avery-in-"The Firm" glory and...well, yeah.

And as my parents like to remind me on occasion with hung heads and incredulous "how did she come from us?" expressions, there was the incident with my 8th grade volleyball coach, Mr. F., to whom I once responded, "But we just met, didn't we?" when he quite forcefully asked me to remove my shoe after I'd just fractured my left ankle in my first girl-on-girl collision.

Point is, I'm not here to criticize little Miss Hannah Montana for her precociousness. I grew up with ultra-normal parents and an ultra-normal brother in ultra-normal Norman, OK and Okemos, MI, not among the ranks of Nashville and Hollywood celebrities with my own hit TV show and platinum record, and still, my hormones raged hard, fast, early and insatiably. Environmental factors may have something to do with the acceleration of a child's proclivity for (ahem) hormonal exploration, but they certainly aren't the only determinant. That being said, when it comes to the very newly-minted 15 year old MiCy, there's no achy-breaky argument about it, she's firmly in the fast lane to big-girl-dom in her fabulously tacky $690 Louboutins (shoes that ironically smack of a 4th grade art project) whether she likes it, wants it or not.

Where I have an issue - a major one - is when this so-called "sweet," "innocent," "wholesome," celebriteen steps out wearing this:


From a figure-flattering standpoint, she looks great. Absolutely great. The dress flatters her toned legs, highlights her defined shoulders, hugs her just-the-right-size-for-strapless cup-size perfectly -- I could go on and on about how women like Paula Abdul, Tara Reid and Beyoncé could all afford to take a page or two from this one's book. Her Nuj Novakhett mini isn't my favorite dress by any means, and I shake my head in distress at the shoes, but overall, I offer this look some of my highest praise for a young star still nascent in the process of defining her personal style.

And for a pre-show appearance at the American Music Awards, I can't think of a more venue-appropriate color and cut. Definitely an 'A' grade in that category as well.

My disappointment doesn't lie with Miley for wanting to don a dress with such a grown-up neck and hemline - after all, I know with right certainty I would've greeted Jeff S. at my front door in that same get-up for freshman Homecoming if I had the chance - rather it's geared toward the parents who allowed her to make that decision.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, one of the most meaningful lessons my Mother imparted to me, especially during my style-formative teenage years, is one I still carry with me every day as a 27 year old, and that is to dress thoughtfully and with consideration to how those around me will perceive my selection.

If you want to fill the girl-next-door void convincingly, Ms. Cyrus, let's try a little more Mandy and a little less cleavage next time.

And the time after that, too.

Just 'cause you like it duhn't mean you should wear it

*analytic breakdown of what cuts these women should have worn to better flatter their figures coming later today...