If I had a sugar daddy...

Lalanne t-bar pumps by Brian Atwood
$629 at net-a-porter.com

If I had a sugar daddy...

Back-zip tall boot by Brian Atwood
$1,085 at saks.com

If I had a sugar daddy who had a sugar daddy...

Patent frame clutch by Brian Atwood

$1,055 at saks.com

If I had a sugar daddy...

Suede d'Orsay pumps by Brian Atwood

$625 at saks.com

Oh god, YES.

Celebrities really do have it good.

Not only do they get to experience the sorts of vacations most of us only read about when we break down and buy an issue of Travel+Leisure at the airport, but they also get a whole lot of free shit.

Free sunglasses, free premium denim, free makeup, free Giuseppi Zanotti resort sandals -- even free custom-made Vivienne Westwood cocktail dresses.

For those of you who share my eye and a magnet-like mind for useless celebrity trivia, you'll recognize right away Dita von Teese's stunning, perfectly-draped-over-her-perfect-body red satin frock as an incarnation of the original runway version in a nude, matte-silk crepe Hilary Duff wore - and I fawned over at exhaustive length - last March.

I love the red lips and nails and how strikingly they offset the burlesque performer's signature Geisha-white skin and jet-black locks, but the shoes, I must admit, were not a Dita-worthy selection. I understand the whole throwback-to-a-different-era look after which she's going, but matchy-matchy then worked about as well as matchy-matchy now.

In short, badly.

Plus, with a shoulder-baring cut such as the one she's donning, an open-toed shoe is nothing if not required, especially given yesterday's 90-degree Manhattan heat.

Next time Dita, just remember you're a celebrity and are expected to indulge in the you-ask-they-give arrangements for which your greedy and beautiful brethren are widely known.

Were I you, I'd have your people ring the Brian Atwood people post-haste.

Patent leather can go the distance

Given patent leather's popularity this year, can I wear it year round at the office? I found a super fantabulous pair of shoes but it is nearing the end of suede season -- is it also nearing the end of patent leather season?

I feel like I missed something here. Is patent leather, like seersucker for summer, velvet for winter, and synthetic for never, a material with an expiration date?

If, as my reader M implies, patent leather is only supposed to emerge during the cooler months, I'm going to have to declare Johanna Law on the ass of this antiquated rule and encourage you to do the same by wearing at least a tiny patch of its gorgeousness every single day of 2007.

Even though I approve of and advocate donning patent leather year-round, I should remind you to take into careful consideration the type of patent leather shoe you're trying to pull off.

As long as your selection is closed-toe and in a classic style ( i.e. not platform, not bright pink, not a 4.5-inch spiked stiletto, etc.), you'll be in the green zone in even the most conservative office or government building. If you're like I am, however, and get a warm feeling in your lady bits when you're firmly atop that line of appropriate and inappropriate, go for the patent peeptoe. In fall and winter, pair them with an opaque or patterned - matte not shiny - tight. As soon as the daily high consistently hits 55, however, go bare. If you can't go bare, go with a closed-toe shoe and sheer hose. Do not, I repeat, do not wear sheer hose with a peeptoe. There's nothing more unsettling than seeing uncared for feet through sheer mesh. Too many women think L'eggs Sheer Energy with Control Top is some sort of invisibility cloak when it comes to hammer toes. The truth is, hose or not, we can still see your corns and the chipped remnants from your four-months-ago pedicure. If you're not maintainin' things down there, please just reach for the opaque tights and completely toe-encased shoe.

If you're still concerned about the novelty of patent leather being too much for the family man with the packed lunch in the cubicle to your left, just overcompensate for your flash with more conservative components. To offset the trendiness of the shoe, avoid the makes-your-rack-look-devastating wrap dress, the brightly colored bolero and the drop hoop earrings. Instead, opt for more traditional pieces like a knee-length black pencil skirt, a crisp white oxford button-up, and ruby studs.

As a final note, please don't think my adoration of and recommendation for patent leather all-day, all-night, all-the-time has anything to do with it being the first big trend of 2007. Patent leather has always been, in my view, one of those rare materials any woman can wear in any setting to achieve a bump-up in her sexiness.

What cruel person would limit that to a particular season?

(note: the red patent peeptoe pump by Brian Atwood was my doing, not M's. That's just me throwing up a gratuitous picture of a shoe I love but can't bring myself to charge on my credit card)

I would sell my soul for this Prada dress

And if the devil threw in the Brian Atwood round-toeds, I might even sell my minidress collection, too.

After seeing Kerry Washington's Miuccia-designed dress and clutch at last week's Independent Spirit Awards, I'm now even more inclined to type in the keywords "sell" "soul" and "Prada" into the Google search prompt.

Though they look like distinct entities - a cream satin shell and burgundy tulip mini - this is actually a runway-modified two-toned dress from Prada's Spring/Summer 2007 collection.

It's sophisticated, it's prim, and with the simple black, round-toed patent-leather Brian Atwood pumps, it's a look that could easily be pulled off in our buttoned-up city.

It's also an ensemble that could easily be replicated for a price friendlier to my meager military analyst budget.

To see me recreate this Prada and Brian Atwood outfit for a whole lot less, login later tonight.