The most gracious gift a bride can give

What do the following body characteristics have in common?

- broad shoulders
- 32AA chest
- 38EE chest
- untoned upper arms
- back acne
- tan lines
- armpit fat
- short neck
- undefined clavicle
- uneven breast size

Not sure?

Well, let me interject, as there are actually two critical points I'd like to make here.

The first is that the vast majority of women's bodies, be they attached to a 22 or 42 year-old, fall into one or more of the above categories.

The second is that any one of these has the high potential for causing "oh dear" disaster when it comes to a strapless neckline.

Which now brings us to that lovable group of white-wearing women and their penchant for opting not just for themselves but also for their 1-10 closest friends the very difficult to wear neckline known as straight-edged strapless.

Now, I'm well aware of this new-fangled idea that brides aren't just allowed but expected to be total taskmasters and that it's considered more adorable than objectionable for them to be six steps above the highest of high maintenance, but there's a world of difference between being a bride who requires her grad student girlfriend with no disposable income to go into credit card debt so she can attend -and bring offerings to- the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding reception and being a woman who forces her of-varying-size friends to all wear the same style of bridesmaid dress.


Unless the 1-10 closest friends who are to flank this bride have identical figures (as was the case in my brother's wedding, so I do acknowledge that exceptions exist), thrusting the same dress upon each of them is, in my opinion, asking most of them and maybe all of them to commit a major figure-flattering offense.

And not just on that one day but forever in those wedding albums of theirs.

Now whether we're talking about strapless, halter, t-shirt sleeved, low-back, tea-length or any other kind of specialty cut, I think we can all agree none are universally flattering. What will look best on a petite woman with a large chest and skinny legs is bound to look awkward on a taller, broader girl with muscular calves.

I know I'm hardly the first person to recognize the injustice of forcibly wedging both a size-0 and a size-12 into the same empire-waisted strapless goddess gown, but considering that I'm still to this day shown windfalls of photos where all 1-10 women are wearing the same dress, I have to wonder why the modern bride hasn't become more...well, modern?

My advice, if you're not willing to be as hands-off a bride as Charlotte in her second walk down the aisle (Carrie, Miranda and Samantha each wore whatever they wanted), is to choose the color, outline the parameters (e.g., knee-length, matte fabric, no cleavage, etc.) but grant your bridesmaids the freedom to find the specific style that most flatters their figure. If one doesn't know how to make that determination, have your most attuned-to-proper-fit bridesmaid accompany her. Make clear to them you'll have the final say, perhaps even require an in-person fitting or a high-res photograph before the tags are cut, but at least in the beginning, give them the retail reins.

So there you have it, what I consider a bride's most gracious gift -- the gift of her friends' confidence intact.

If you're wondering how a topic like this landed on my usually anti-wedding radar, well, you've gotta do something while you're waiting in line for 40 minutes to buy a small container of guacamole and half-full bag of organic blue-corn chips at Whole Foods.

Why not eavesdrop?

(two women, mid-20s)

"Have you tried yours on yet?"

"Yeah, have you?"

"Yeah..."

(apprehensive) "What did you think?"

"What do you think I thought?"

"I have no idea why she chose that dress. It's so awful."

"It's beyond awful, it's ridiculous. It's a f**king ridiculous dress."

"It's one day, and then we can..."

"But the point is, for me to feel comfortable in that thing, I'm gonna have to lose like, five pounds. At least."

"Come on, it can't be that bad."

"When was the last time you remember seeing me wear a sleeveless anything? Anything? When??"

"Come on, it'll be..."

"The answer is 'never,' because I know my body and my body wasn't meant for something tight and strapless. Why, why would she do this to us? We're her best friends. I just don't get it."

"Because she's the bride and that's what brides do."

After this last sentence, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do more - run and kiss BridalBird for her decision to have only one, sisterly bridesmaid or to ask these two ladies for their friend's contact information so that she and I could have a serious sit-down.

The most gracious gift a bride can give (no guys, not *that*)

Wedding vows and short shorts don't mix

I completely trust your sense of dress appropriateness…which brings me to this question: would something similar to this shorts-and-cropped-jacket combo be appropriate to wear to a wedding? I'm a huge fan of the slightly sexy/brattiness of dressy shorts but I'm unsure how appropriate they would be at a fairly traditional 3:00PM church ceremony and 5:00PM country club reception.

I don't need a more in-detail explanation of what you mean by "fairly traditional," I don't need to know whether you're considering ballet flats or stilettos, and honestly, I don't even need to know what your figure looks like, because regardless of your responses, the first word out of my mouth would remain a resounding "NO."

I'm not trying to be harsh or hyperbolic, but wearing shorts - booty, city, university or Bermuda - to even the most casual wedding ceremony runs contrary to every tenet of venue-appropriate dress I've tried to impart in the last seven months.

Though I avoid them at all costs for reasons relating to panic attacks, chills and sudden bouts of claustrophobia, I do know and accept the fact that weddings are occasions when the guests must not, out of respect for the bride, draw egregious attention to themselves. This means no wearing white, no excessive cleavage, no mini dresses, no discussion about how this is likely the last time you'll see your girlfriend in a social situation, no shotgunning beers at the reception to lament that fact and certainly no short shorts.

The outfit to which you linked me (pictured above) is adorable, especially that 3/4-sleeve bolero, but no matter how dressy or church-appropriate the above-the-waist components happen to be, those shorts will vitiate all your good effort in one fell three-inch-inseamed swoop. Yeah, they're blousy, yeah, they're pricey, and yeah, they're not that short, but still, at the end of the long, long "heartwarming" day, they're still too casual.

If you're not into skirts or dresses, but you're also on several late Summer, early Autumn wedding rosters, your only option is a pair of lightweight trousers. Were I you, I'd get that bolero, complement it with some high-waisted black trousers, a feminine, tuck-in-able ivory blouse and a pair of polished slingbacks. The best part of this ensemble, better even than the feeling you'll get slipping through the don't-look-better-than-the-bride loophole, is that all these components - the jacket, the pants, the top and the pumps - are versatile staples that can be worn again and again in not only formal but professional and casual venues as well.

Buy the shorts, too, but wear them with cute flats during the day or with heels later in the night. Just please, keep them away from the chapel.

Desperately seeking shoes: Wedding Season '07 pt. 415

I need some advice on shoes to wear with a certain dress - namely this Ann Taylor Chloe dress in sea blue. Shoes of the same color would look tacky and are hard to find anyway, and both black and white would simply KILL the dress. I guess I am limited to something that's either pearly, subtle metallic or platinum. I realize that the store itself carries sandals that might work with it, but I'm nor sure this might is best choice. Before I completely give up hope, I thought I'd drop you a line and ask for your priceless advice. The price range is between $75 and $150.

Well, you've already done half the work for me, my dear, so now that we collectively agree you need a metallic shoe, let's get on with the recommendations.

Since you told me you're a 2P and "small-framed," I'm going to assume you're under 5'4" and have slim Thandie-Newton-like calves. The latter feature is important to point out, because it - or they - will afford you more flattering options than 99% of the women out there on the collapsible dance floor. You might, depending on just how delicate those ankles of yours are, even be able to indulge in one of those will-never-be-an-option-for-me ankle-strap varieties.

First things first -- what kind of shoe you should avoid:

Though it goes against my go-to personal preference, I would steer clear of any kind of full-figured, closed-toed pump. This is a wedding - a Summer wedding - and you're wearing a fairly conservative below-the-knee dress that covers more than most of your skin, so you need to compensate with some bareness in other areas -- namely, your feet.

Because this is such a traditional silhouette, I would also avoid anything that even hints it might belong in the dominatrix category like these or these. I'm all for ironic dressing, but at this venue and with this dress, my advice is to explore - and explore creatively with embellishments, adornments, etc. - among the more classy-sexy, not bondage-sexy silhouettes.

Due to the fabric's inherently brilliant shine, I'd avoid shoes like patent-leathers and satins that aren't completely matte.

Second things second -- what kind of shoe you should look for:

You're petite and covering up 2/3 of your legs -- you need a heel, sister, and you need a tall one. Unless you have an insecure pocket-man boyfriend who demands you wear flats, I would look for something in the 3-inches-and-higher range. No shorter.

I know I use this term on a more-often-than-necessary basis, but in this case, one of your best options is a minimally-strapped, barely-there sandal. You have an entire ocean of fabric from your bustline to below your knees, and even if it's perfectly fitted to your frame, you still need to offer up some peeks of skin to accentuate your slimness -- a barely-there sandal will help you achieve that.

Your best option, however - a decision to which I came solely based on my personal preference - is a d'Orsay, or a two-piece shoe. This is a very classic, vintage-feeling style that would flatter your classic, vintage-feeling dress very nicely.

Well let's get to it, then.

Here are your blue-satin-dress-complementing Wedding Season '07 metallic sandal recommendations:

Guna slingback by BCBGirls ($49.90 at amazon.com)

Calhoun metallic linen d'Orsays by Nina ($72 at lorisdesignershoes.com)*

Vincenza cutout peep toe by Guess ($99 at guess.com)Whim Mary-Jane peeptoe sandal by Charles David ($111.99 at piperlime.com)Camila sandal by Martinez Valero ($127.95 at nordstrom.com)

*your editrix's top pick (in fact she ordered these for herself last night!)

Wedding Season '07 pt. III: dressing a small bosom

I have 2 weddings to go to in August, one mid-scale in Maryland, and another much higher-scale in New York.

Here are my stats:

- I'm about 5'4"

- I generally wear size 28 jeans

- I get serious boob envy, because, well, I have none

- My price range is in the under $200 area

Despite my boy-tendencies, I don't mind the high heels. I don't wear strappy shoes since I've never been particularly attracted to them, but I have a tendency towards various closed-toe/peep-toed shoes. (It's also easier on the budget if I can use the same shoes for gallivanting and work when I actually need to be more business-y.)

I'm not really a fan of the back baring stuff for random scars reasons. I'm ok with the legs for the most part. They're not chicken-esque, and from what I hear, are slightly awesome with the right shoes.

Wedding Season '07 just won't go quietly into this good night, will it?

Before I start, I want to first thank this reader for sending me so much detailed information - even a full-length picture! - the thoroughness of which really helped me narrow down not only what type of hem, neckline, back and sleeves would look most flattering on her frame but also, because of the clearly expressed desire for versatility (i.e. a dress that needs to fit in at both a semi-formal and formal wedding, shoes that can bridge the work-to-wedding transition, etc.), what colors and fabrics to select.

My subject has toned arms, nicely defined shoulders, a thin waist and killer legs.

She also has a very very small chest (that second "very" was hers, not mine) and an aversion to anything with an open-back.

My first thoughts always lead me to the question, "What should she not wear?" In this case, if we want to minimize attention to the chest, I advise against a v-shaped neckline or any other kind of deep front plunge that will draw a virtual arrow to her self-proclaimed AAs. Even if she wears a padded bra that boosts her babes up to a large A/small B, the lack of any real outline of a rack will show much more obviously when one bares a large swath of decolletage. I've been there, and the last thing you want is to look "all bra." On a similar note, I would also avoid dresses with a strapless neckline, an empire waist or anything with front-heavy embellishments, because again, tuxedo-bibbing, an ornate ruffle or rosette adornment, or anything of equal look-at-me detailing is going to draw unwanted focus to the breasts.

Another consideration is this woman's height. 5'4" isn't short by any means, especially if heels are involved, but in light of the fact that there are some great gams we need to show off, I would steer clear of any dress with a knee-length-or-longer hemline. Because we're covering up your back and leaning toward a higher neckline, it only makes sense to shorten that hem and bare some skin down below so as not to look overtly prudish.

Now, onto the "What should she wear?" question. When I looked at this young woman's photo, the first thing that stood out to me was her upper body: her shoulders, her arms and her lovely side-to-hip contour. These are all extremely enviable features, features most women would trade their fabulous racks for, because while plastic surgery can give a girl a heaving D-cup, it can't do much to transform ham-hock biceps and it certainly can't carve out an ideal not-too-narrow-not-too-broad pair of shoulders. And finally, because I will never not be in favor of highlighting a narrow waist, I wanted to look for a dress that either cinched with a belt or band or at the very least had a built-in narrowed-to-the-hips silhouette.

Taking into consideration color, fabric and the ability to serve this woman well in both a semi-formal and a Manhattan-formal setting, I have come up with three choices in a well-under-$200 price range. I know this isn't a large selection from which to choose, but I highly encourage you to take the figure-flattering guidelines I've provided above in tandem with the silhouettes you see below and attempt to find something in-person either at a department store, a vintage boutique or even your local Zara/H&M/Forever 21.

As for shoes, a neutral peep-toe like these, these or these would work just as perfectly with a dress at a low-key or formal wedding as they would with a pair of herringbone trousers or pencil skirt for a day at the office. Just remember, the more delicate your dress, the more delicate your shoe should be -- one of the biggest egads! I see at formal events is when a woman tops off a thin-strapped or no-strapped dress in a super-fine fabric like silk or chiffon with a full-figured clunky-by-comparison pump.

And because I can't stress this enough, if you haven't already begun one, start now - start this second - with a full-body, twice-a-day, vitamin-E-enriched moisturizing routine. You've got the hardware, now start with the upkeep. I'd recommend a good body glimmer as well, but I'd hate to increase your chances of a run-in with an older man and his trusty pocket square...

Happy bouquet dodging!

Palm Springs silk dress by Anne Klein ($177 at saks.com)***

Beaded matte jersey dress by JS Boutique ($140 at dillards.com)**

Silk chiffon belted dress by Maggy London ($148 at macys.com)*

*your editrix's top pick (note: I would try to find a boatneck that drapes a bit lower than this one does so you can reveal that nicely-sculpted collarbone of yours)

**If you could find this style sans keyhole and with a slightly shorter hem, you'd be golden

***I would have your tailor snip a good five inches off the hem of this one

Wedding Season '07: the versatile clutch

"So I've got my dress (on sale at Bop!) and two different pairs of black peeptoes for Wedding Season '07, but I need a good versatile clutch that can fit the makeup essentials, my Blackberry and my flask (for when the ceremony goes a little long). What color would you recommend with this dress? I gave up trying to match the pink. Plus, I had your anti-matchy-matchy speech running through my head! Thanks!"

You had me at "flask."

I'm pleased as punch you decided to abandon your search for a bright fuchsia clutch. This fabulous DvF dress already has built-in color with the satin sash -- let that be the sole focus. Any more of a color burst, especially with an almost-kinda-sorta-the-same pink purse, and you run the risk of looking like a bridesmaid who had no choice but to wear the 13 pieces of clothing and accessories a misguided bride on an everything-must-match mission picked out for her and the other nine of her closest girlfriends.

Were I you, I'd opt for a textured black clutch, something in a brocade or embossed animal skin - animal skin, not animal print - that adds dimension to the ensemble without detracting from the primness of the dress and peeptoes. As for jewellery, even though you didn't ask, I would suggest minimal neutral studs (e.g. pearls, diamonds or opals) and an fun cocktail ring like this or even better, this. A thin gold necklace that hits just below the base of the throat would still look okay, but as you know, I always advocate erring on the side of simplicity, especially when the neckline, like this one, is an eye-catching accessory in itself.

Here are your flask-ready clutches, a couple of which, I realize, are pushing well beyond even an If-I-had-a-Sugar-Daddy price point:

Joan woven silk clutch by Franchi ($126.95 at zappos.com)*

Legacy croc clutch by Perlina ($65.95 at zappos.com)

Croc Lucia clutch by Lorelei ($198 at activeendeavors.com)

Jewel clutch by Lelya ($472 at shopbop.com)**Lizzie clutch by B. Romanek ($810 at ronherman.com)

*my 'Since I don't (yet)' pick

**my 'If I had a Sugar Daddy' pick

'Cause one dress wasn't enough for you

Okay, okay, I get it, a one-dress recommendation for Wedding Season 2007 was insufficient.

You write, I listen, so here are a few more ultra-special dresses - 15 to be exact - to help make whomever's ultra-special day that much more ultra-special.

Some could bridge the office-to-wedding-reception transition, others toe the line, and some, like the first one, aren't a good idea unless you've already given your two weeks notice.

I don't really have much more to add - if it wasn't glaringly obvious already, I rate attending weddings about as highly as a biannual trip to the DMV - except that I hope you get seconds on cake, I hope you're seated at one of the good tables (because we all know what the alternative is like), and most important, I really, really hope your bride and groom allocate enough money in their six-figure budget for a Moët & Chandon toast, because nothing packs a more sobering punch to the gut to remind you you're stuck for three-plus hours at a big, bad, interesting-conversation-free wedding than a quarter-full flute of bitter Brut.

And please don't forget to abide by my five simple formal dress rules (listed below). If you're unsure if you've crossed the line, err on the side of caution and get a buddy-check with the "honest" friend, not the "nice" friend, not the "it's-the-inner-beauty-that-matters-most" friend, but the honest friend. And if you don't have one, send the picture to me at aseriousjobisnoexcuse@gmail.com, and I will gladly give it to you straight. Ask L, ask E, ask C, ask R -- I have no qualms about telling my best friends when they've entered into trashy, too-tight, unflattering or just plain I-don't-think-so territory.

Your rules:

(1) if you don't have the shoulders, don't do strapless
(2) if you don't have the upper arms, don't do sleeveless
(3) if you don't have the back, don't do the halter
(4) do NOT wear a minidress
(5) do NOT bare cleavage

Ladies, your dresses:

Palm silk jacquard bubble dress by Nicole Miller ($207 at bluefly.com)*

Butterfly sleeve silk dress by Mara Hoffman ($360 at intermixonline.com)
Eloise dress by Milly ($330 at azaleaonline.com)

Jacquard Gerritt dress by Tory Burch ($350 at toryburch.com)

Tie-around dress by L.A.M.B. ($285 at shopbop.com)

Halter dress by Rebecca Taylor ($350 at activeendeavors.com)*

Cinched cowl dress by Rachel Pally ($216 at activeendeavors.com)

Caladesi dress by Mon Petit Oiseau ($268 at anthropologie.com)

Mermaid jacquard dress by Betsey Johnson ($183 at betseyjohnson.com)

Red rose print dress by Anna Sui ($398 at edressme.com)

Sipra dress by Saks Signature ($321 at saks.com)*

Brea wrapdress by Diane von Furstenberg ($237.90 at saks.com)

Silk waisty dress by Foley + Corinna ($389 at revolveclothing.com)

Fraufliese dress by Susana Monaco ($264 at revolveclothing.com)

Vivalla dress by Theory ($275 at pinkmascara.com)

*your editrix's top picks

A dress to get you through 'Wedding Season 2007'

"As I'm sure you're well aware, wedding season is rapidly approaching. So far I already have 4 to attend in the next four months, and I'm expecting at least 2 more. Obviously, I don't want to nor can I afford to get a new dress for each one, so...can you recommend one really great dress that can carry me through 'til the end of summer? I'm brunette, 25, 5'6", a size 6 and like you, I like to show off my legs more than any other part of my body. I'd like to stay within the $300 range, but for the perfect dress, I'd consider spending more. Thanks!"

Ah, wedding season.

Aside from the day after Oscar Night when I'm reminded of the inferior state of my dress collection and the entire month of August when I'm looking out my office window thinking wistfully of laying out lakeside in northern Michigan with a Diet Vernors in one hand and a freshly-picked-from-Stone's-Orchard nectarine in the other, the four month period between May and September - known more commonly to those of us in our mid-20s to early-30s as "wedding season" - is the time of year to which I look forward the least.

Call me a downer, call me jaded, call me a worthless old-maid who doesn't like weddings because she can't nab herself a husband, call me anything, but please, for the love of god, just don't call me and ask me why I'm not more flippin' excited about having to reallocate upwards of $1,500 (last year's figure) of my hard-earned shoe, clothing and cosmetics slush fund to facilitate purchasing gifts and making travel arrangements for all of your engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and of course, the very intimate 300 headcount hap-hap-happiest day of your lives.

I can't, I just can't. And it's odd, too, because weddings have several elements to them that when taken individually, are elements I typically seek out and relish in my daily life. Dressing up, eating frosting, drinking beer someone else paid for, and bearing witness to sloppy middle-aged could-turn-belligerent-very-soon drunken behavior, for instance.

In the spirit of focusing on the positive, let's switch gears and talk about dresses. Not the awful, character-free strapless number with renaissance fair criss-cross backside and full princess skirt the bride is likely wearing, but rather your dress.

As I've stated before, in my opinion, a wedding, no matter how casual, demands a certain standard of class and respect for the occasion. In short, I believe in abiding by a strict "no cleavage" policy. I also believe in a hemline that falls no higher than two inches above the knee. Any higher and you're dangerously close to entering mini - or near-mini - territory. Other than those two basic guidelines, the rest is up to you. Apparently there's some rule about not wearing white, but I think this is a ridiculous restriction. It's summer, it's eyelet season, it's linen season, it's damask cotton season. As long as you don't wear a frock that looks overtly wedding-dress-competitive, you're fine to explore the ivory/white/eggshell color palette.

As for this particular woman, it's probably no surprise that I'm going to recommend this 'Justin' wrapdress in a vintage green print by Diane von Furstenberg ($325 at saks.com). Though I could go on and on about why I think every woman should own at least one of these dresses, in this circumstance I will focus on its versatility and sophistication.

First and foremost, this is a dress that goes well beyond 'Wedding Season 2007.' This is a dress that can make the rounds not only at future matrimonial circuits, but at countless other occasions as well like work, church, dates, cocktail hours, baby showers, graduations and dinner parties.

Second, this is a fun, bright, not-often-seen-but-highly-flattering-on-brunettes shade of kelly green that screams in a sophisticated voice, "Spring has arrived!"

Third, silk jersey is an extrordinarily breathable fabric that will keep you from getting goosebumps in overbearingly air-conditioned convention centers and protect you better than cotton or silk from developing unsightly pit-stains on a typical 90-degree, 90%-humidity DC summer Saturday.

Now I realize this dress is slightly above the price-point you gave me, but because I know for a fact you'll add it to your work wardrobe rotation AND fall in love with the way it enhances your curves, allows you to indulge in a with-or-without-cleavage deep-V neckline and highlights your great gams (especially on windy days when you "accidentally" tie the cinch a wee bit too loosely), I don't feel too guilty recommending you spend the extra $25.

And even though you didn't ask, it goes against my nature not to discuss footwear in a situation such as this. Were I you, assuming you don't mind a little added height, I'd go with a strappy gold/neutral stiletto sandal or a caramel brown peeptoe, depending on how formal the event.

I can't promise, however, that if you follow my suggestions and wear this dress accompanied by either pair of these shoes you won't be pulled aside by the mother of a crying bride and find yourself accused of breaking the golden rule of wedding guest etiquette better known as "Don't look better than the bride."

The story of my life, that confrontation...