16 May 2007

Hotness quantified

It was only a matter of time before a website like HotEnough - a site that through "selective screening" only allows the "hottest looking" singles to get their cyber-flirt on - came along.

Similarly, it was only a matter of time before someone as obsessed with the quantification of hotness - her own hotness, in particular - discovered this site and submitted her required two neck-up and one full-body photos for an assessment opaquely described by HotEnough's CEO as "a voting process."

Since that short and deeply dissatisfying two-year stint with SeekingArrangement (I'm kinda still waiting for that trip to Morocco and a Cartier Tank watch from bigpoppa11 and cumletmebuyuthingz69, respectively), I've not been too inclined to re-enter the world of Internet dating. Why HotEnough, then? It's simple. The reason I've applied to join this exclusive community is solely to find out my somewhere-between-8-and-10 "hotness score." Not sure what I'll do with said score...probably print out the congratulatory e-mail and stick it on my wall at work in between the picture of Monte in a tux and Monte with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. Or maybe I'd neatly fold it and put it in my wallet so that every time someone catches one of my judgmental looks and confronts me with a "What makes you think you're so hot?" verbal throwdown, I could just pull out my tabulated hotness figure and say, "This -- this is how I know!" And I'd win, because science is science.

What happens to those whose pictures earn them a score of 7 or below? Well those individuals - the chaff, we'll call them - are sent curt rejection e-mails and a demoralizing list of other more "open-minded" online dating sites to consider.

Okay, I made that last part up.

Ooooh, I just received my HotEnough confirmation e-mail:

Thank you for registering.

We've received your registration and we're judging your photos. We will let you know shortly if you are hot enough to be a prospective member.

HotEnough Administration

"Judging my photos?" "Hot enough?" Thank the lord for filler stories on the local news - this is just the kind of superficiality I needed to indulge in at the end of a rainy Tuesday.


bff in chicago said...

I just submitted my 3 photos as well. This is just so silly.

We're gonna have a hot-off once we both get our scores.

Anonymous said...

You'll get a 10.

Is there any doubt?

you're overrated said...

I doubt it'll happen, but I wish these people would rank you below an 8 so you can feel as ugly as what the rest of us see here everyday. As far as I can tell, you're without a single redeeming characteristic on the inside.

It's been said before, but I'll say it again: no wonder you don't have anyone in your life.

art spencer said...

just from hearing your voice (every night that you called my radio show to request songs from the soundtrack of dirty dancing) i could tell that you were a hottilicious hottie.
as for "you're overrated" 's comments (if they aren't deleted) i suggest that you explore to some of my adult contemporay music on my station (lite 105, providence, RI) to lift you out of your bitterness.

Johanna said...

"you're overrated" -

what's confusing to me is that I never claimed to be beautiful on the inside, only the outside - what's your point?

and there are lots of reasons why I don't have someone in my life, primary among them that I eat double anchovy and musroom thin-crust pizza with light cheese and light sauce for dinner every Wednesday. That alone would scare off most potential suitors, don't you think?

Art Spencer-
OMG, it's been since senior year! How I miss your Gonzo-like nose and Arab-fro! What I'd give to have you on the phone right now talking me through my self-esteem issues...you'd recommend a song - something by Chicago or Amy Grant, most likely - and give me some insightful life advice, like "chin up, sweetheart, there's someone out there for everyone."

M said...

J - Overrated sounds like a bitter ass. You are fabulous and he/she is clearly just jealous that they don't have the same quick wit and crack fashion sense that you have.

also - I am no longer at doggie style. I like to use my weekends in the summer to lay poolside and become a lovely shade of bronze. :)

tom h said...

Jo a 10 for sure..........

Noelle said...

"As far as I can tell, you're without a single redeeming characteristic on the inside."

You're overrated - Those of who read her blog and don't know her personally really can't say what Johanna is like "on the inside". Online, she writes about fashion and sometimes provides a story and anecdote from her real life. Even so, I don't think any character judgment based on this blog would be fair.

Personally, I enjoy the snarky, witty, honest personality that Jo conveys on her blog. I think she's sharp and entertaining. Just my opinion though.

Johanna said...


thanks for the defense! this "you're overrated" character sure sounds angry with me. probably a relative.

M - oh pooh, you're no longer at Doggie Style? And just before I was about to order Monte's 2nd birthday party birthday cake! He absoultely devoured the peanut butter chocolate ice cream cake from last year - think we'll go with that one again. And another set of sparkly party hats.