Little girl's all grown up

Happy 35th birthday, lovely Dita von Teese.

You inspire in all of us - the meek, the uptight, the humorless and the puerile - a desire to be milky white, sexually powerful, uninhibited seductresses like yourself.

And apparently, you're also using your feminine wiles to spread your love for neutering! While championing that cause may incur the wrath of my wittle Monte-ster, you definitely score points with me, in part because I fundamentally agree with the practice but largely because I fundamentally agree with the art direction in that ad campaign.

Rrrrrrowrrr.

What *really* happened

As our blogger/reader relationship continues to grow ever more intimate, I feel the need to come clean about last night and show you what really happened during my birthday festivities.

From now on, no more ruses, just plain-as-Julia-Stiles honesty. I promise.

(don't worry, I watched Dick wash his dose of Coumadin down with my Kir Royale promptly at 10pm)

And I thought my legs couldn't get any better

I have no idea how I made it 26 years without Archipelago's Sugar Cane & Coconut Sugar scrub and Molton Brown's Heavenly Gingerlily Shimmer Oil, but thanks to L2 and L, respectively, my half-Asian stems no longer have to endure a single second without vacation-scented, Brazilian-smooth exfoliation and all-over body glimmer.

This photo - the only blog-appropriate one in the bunch - captured on film my couldn't-be-contained excitement in applying said leg shimmer smack dab in between the Mayflower's baby grand and their turned-to-'Scarborough Country' flat-screen.

While taking turns nibbling on gratis Tiramisu and sipping one of my three raspberry-garnished flutes of Taittinger, I forced myself to stop sending yeah-my-décolletage-baring-vintage-dress-is-hot confirmation looks to several neighboring tables so I could really take in the atmosphere of the evening. Between my perfectly-achieved Champagne buzz and the loyal-to-the-end girls at my side, I thought to myself, "I'm one lucky birthday girl."

Despite a few guy-induced tears and an enragingly long wait for a treadmill at the gym, today certainly was a good day.

The one time sharing isn't completely awful.

Even if the birthday card my sister-in-law sent me hadn't included the sentence, "I say you treat yourself to a day at the spa without getting on all fours to have your lady bits waxed," even if she hadn't given me as my present these beyond-fabulous, so very me, four-inch patent-leather Mary Jane peeptoes, and even if she hadn't forgiven me for writing "you're the sister I never wanted" on the first card I ever gave her (yeah, now I realize how it sounds), I would still know in my heart of Pisces hearts there is no other woman with whom I'd rather share my special day.

To you, M, my knocked-up, shrimp-n-grits-eatin' sweetheart, for putting up with all of my self-involved behavior and the many, many "no really, guess where I'm at?" late night phone calls.

I promise to think of you every time an unhappily married man in this city openly admires your thoughtful gift -- in other words, every moment of every day.

The kids just keep getting older.

Monte wanted me to wish a "Happy Birthday" today to all the March 6th babies out there. He even extended one to his mother, with whom he is currently cross because she refuses to get his sock-bunny-turned-tiny-ball-of-string out from under the bed again.

To my preggers sis, my cousins L and G, my girl S, and anyone else who's diluting my special day with their own celebration, may you all get a peanut butter chocolate cake with carob frosting and the chance to don a feather-trimmed be-starred party hat.

You'll have to excuse me now, I have a damp ball of string to liberate...

(note: unless you want to see what sun damage brought on by years of precise 26-minute poolside flips looks like up close, I wouldn't click on the above photo)

The girlfriend birthday present.

I want to say up front that even though this post may seem self-serving, it sincerely isn't. For some cruel reason, what should be four straight weeks of celebrating all things me - a 31-day Johanna jamboree, if you will - is actually a without-a-break month of present buying for the disproportionate number of Pisces in my circle of friends.

I'm sure it sounds wholly insensitive, but I have created tiers of present-worthiness among my friends. A girl on a budget has no choice but to do so.

In my hierarchy, there are several groups: the $10-and-under just-met-you-but-think-you-have-potential friends, the $20-and-under happy-hour-and-brunch-only friends, the $50-and-under I-like-you-enough-to-tell-you-about-my-personal-life friends, and the $100-and-under inner sanctum of family members and I'm-willing-to-Tivo-your-shows-even-though-I-don't-watch-them friends.

I've also had the displeasure of recently discovering a new group: the you're-on-your-way-out friends. These special girls can expect nothing more than a one-liner in a $.99 card.

I should also mention that the price points I've set are nothing more than ceilings; if I find my preggers sister-in-law - and fellow March 6th celebrant - the perfect gift for $26.75 at a vintage boutique, I don't need to continue looking to spend $73.25. The goal, after all, when purchasing a girlfriend birthday present is not to demonstrate how much cash you were willing to drop on her, but rather, how successful you were in procuring the most so-her item.

Below, I've put together some ideas for every level of girlfriend.

Happy purchasing!

$10 and under:

- A jumbo bag of her favorite candy and a 20 oz. of her favorite soda

- Her favorite '80s movie on DVD (usually in a bin by the register)

- An OPI nail polish in her preferred color palette

- A bag of good coffee beans/tea leaves

- A high-quality card from a specialty shop

- Kiehl's Lip Balm SPF 15

- Her own travel-size bottle of the lotion she's always borrowing from you

- Baking her favorite cupcakes/scones/muffins

- Gourmet treats or a toy for her pet (believe me)

- A bar of soap from Lush

$20 and under:

- A sheet of stamps personalized with a meaningful picture*

- A vintage scarf

- A manicure at her favorite salon

- A tissue-soft Charlotte tee from Urban Outfitters

- A high-quality lipstick/gloss in her preferred color palette

- An Anthropologie headband

- An autographed copy of her favorite author's book**

- A pair of sexy underwear (when in doubt, buy them too small)

- Her favorite luxe hair product you know she's almost out of

$50 and under:

- Two tickets to a 9:30 Club show

- A vintage clutch or cocktail ring

- An on-sale Ella Moss tee from shopbutante.com

- A pedicure or bikini wax at her favorite salon

- Flowers at work (this makes every woman's day)

- A cute pair of on-sale flats

- A good bronzer brush

- A Rachel Weissman/France Luxe headband

- A one-year subscription to her favorite magazine

- A bottle of Moet & Chandon, Veuve, or her favorite wine

$100 and under:

- A blouse she'd love but never buy herself

- A haircut or manicure/pedicure at her favorite salon

- A contribution toward the new pair of premium jeans she wants

- A cute pair of regular-priced flats

- Her favorite perfume you know she's almost out of

- A clutch to complement her new favorite shoes

- The DVD box set of her favorite TV show

- A vintage dress

- A great cuff

- $50 in singles and four drinks on you at Camelot

* credit for this idea goes to the ever-thoughtful L

** the trick is to keep your eyes open year-round for this gift