The ultimate Mom

Mom, I love you dearly and I sincerely thank you for putting up with all my if-you-don't-let-me-see-him-I'll-get-a-B+-on-my-German-quiz threats, for nine straight years of monthly care packages, and of course, for that whole unconditional love and always-being-there-for-me thing. That being said, I have to admit, if I could create the perfect Mom, the Mom who I think really deserves a day all to herself, it would be a hybrid of the tirelessly devoted mothers - and their most defining maternal qualities - featured below:

Kelly Preston's I-love-you-just-the-way-you-are-ness

Dina Lohan's modesty
Melanie Griffith's sound judgment

Courtney Love's temperance

Victoria Beckham's natural beauty

Britney Spears' put-them-first dedication

Ladies, you inspire me.

Melanie Griffith has Crypt-Keeper legs

Just a quick warning to those of you - myself very much included - who likey the sunny a little too much: all this could be yours at the tender age of 49.

Minus the bags of money, the chirpy voice and Antonio, of course.

Unlike Britney, for whom I have no beauty-longevity expectations, I can't help but look at these photos of the once fine Ms. Griffith, curl into a couch-ball and ask aloud, "was Milk Money really that long ago?"

And on that depressing note, I'm off now to gather data for my heel study and to tan it up 30-SPF-style amidst the urea-scent and equally pungent I'm-sort-of-married lobbyist pheromones hovering around the Daily-Grill-adjacent "park."