Muqinjie kuaile!

Or as we say in a country that at least pretends it celebrates and honors the female gender -- "Happy Mother's Day."

I would write something tongue-and-cheek about how on this, my second Mother's Day, I've come to realize raising Montesquieu, my 13 lb freedom-loving patrioterrier, is more satisfying than I could ever have imagined and then make up some elaborate story about how he served me cheesey eggs, blackberry blintzes and a Bellini in bed while I watched Total Recall (only the last part is true), but apparently real mothers find it offensive when I equate - even when I use my most believable I'm-really-kidding voice - my Mommy-puppy relationship to their own. Something about my not having had to endure a 50 lb midsection weight gain, permanent ladybit enlargement and a Pollock painting of stretch marks across my ass.

And frankly, they have a point, because I just looked at my ass in the mirror and it's pretty 'effing impressive with nary a discoloration in sight. Bathroom squats and constant moisturization, I tell you, work wonders.

So, in the only way I know how - with tasteless, unrelated humor - I wish all two of the Moms who read my blog a very special day with something both have probably seen before but will certainly agree is worth a second, third and fourth look. My three-minute Mother's Day greeting: SNL's "Dick in a box."