27 March 2007

Cinderella shoes are never okay

I don't care if Svetlana at the Watergate Salon & Spa pedicured and paraffin-ed your feet 10 minutes ago, it is never okay to introduce see-through shoes to any situation outside of "fantasy night Thursdays."

And yes, frizzy-haired woman in the floral explosion slithering vulgarly out of your equally vulgar candy apple red SLK convertible with matching interior this morning outside of the 1140 ConnAve parking garage, if it wasn't made clear to you when you bought those at the Deja Vu gift shop, that rule extends to the office.

In all fairness, I know what she was thinking, and she did have her style-conscious cap on when she decided to wear her plastic slides. She was clearly looking for a muted shoe to offset the multi-patterned, painfully clashing color vomit on her skirt and blouse, but unfortunately, all she ended up doing was dig herself deeper and deeper into trailer-park-stripper-who-won-the-lottery-and-bought-herself-a-'spensive-car territory.

I've seen all the "What's hip for Spring 2007" features in InStyle, People, even my beloved Marie Claire -- I know translucent and transparent accessories - including shoes - are supposedly very "in" this season, but I just can't bring myself to accept the chunky lucite bangles and see-through tote bag looks. In all honesty, I think indulging in this trend even a little bit makes a woman look adolescent, and we all know that aside from wicked fast metabolisms, grades that don't count and not yet having to deal with men who treat you like discarded property, there is very little about the 10-13 year old experience worth re-living.

Okay, fine, I only wrote that because I know I'm supposed to think that way. Frankly, I loved middle school and still get nostalgic when I think about all the potentially life-ruining taunts my friends and I doled out to the less fortunate who crossed our already body-conscious, boy-crazy paths. Heavens no, I don't mean financially less fortunate, that would be cruel, I just mean those who were, in our opinions, lacking in the areas of physical beauty, athletic prowess and academic achievement. You know, the small stuff.

But anyway, back to the woman with the Cinderella slippers.

My first piece of advice would be to march her slight self up to Betsy Fisher and shed either the top or bottom and let Anne help her select a solid counterpart in a sophisticated cut from Twinkle by Wenlan, Trina Turk or DVF in a muted color. And "muted," by the way, does not mean those lime green cropped trousers she got from Calypso for last year's cruise. As for shoes, on a day like today, I would recommend being as playful as possible while still respecting the boundaries of professional dress-code. My two non-negotiable rules when it comes to work shoes are (1) there can be at most a two-toe exposure and (2) there can be only one showpiece quality (i.e. color, silhouette, heel-height) per shoe.

As for her "hair," judging from the tremendous amount of damage I saw even without my glasses, I think girlfriend should walk a block down L Street to the Men's Grooming Lounge, get her Britney on and just start over.

It's been a while since I've done a post like this. Feels good to reconnect with my bread-and-butter issue of on-the-street style critique.


Anonymous said...

It's good to see you haven't lost your bitchy touch!

west coast devotee said...

There is no way to not make a see-through shoe look like a stripper heel. I can't believe you saw someone in DC wearing that to work. What is wrong with people??

knew you as hannie said...

You were such a bitch in middle school. If you hadn't also been the smartest and had that amazingly consistent free throw (100% was it?), we all would have ganged up on your ass and put you in your place.

Glad to see you've grown out of that phase :-)

Melissa said...

I can see one argument for translucent shoes: they elongate the leg by not breaking it up with a strap or any shred of leather. But the plastic would trap sweat and after a half hour of walking, you feet (at least, my pregnant feet) would be swollen and pink. They would not look attractive stuffed in a plastic casing.