02 February 2007

"Click" vs. "TROMP"

There is a difference. A big one.

A fierce heel-walk is hardly something a woman is born with. Like a perfect black eyeliner swipe or eating less than half the fries on your plate, looking graceful in four-inch stilettos takes commitment, practice and many failed first-tries. At some point during my adolescent years, I'm sure even I endured the occasional heel drag and stuck-in-the-cobblestone headache. But now, with a good decade and change of experience under my double-buckled-belt, I'm not intimidated by any heel or any terrain or any weather. If this former fast-pitch softball catcher can get to the point where her heels are now the first thing she slips on after her matching unmentionables, anyone can.

The herd of women I just witnessed "walking" up and down ConnAve between M and K Streets, were not of the occasional-heel-drag or occasional-tromp-tromp-tromping ilk. No, these women were straight up added-height amateurs. Their appearances implied professional businesswoman, academic, lawyer, but listening to their collective heels-meet-concrete clumsiness was as perplexing as I imagine it would be to find a Jell-O shot on Off the Record's "seasonal spirits" menu. What's even worse is how unaware they seemed to be of their Paul Bunyan-like canters. One woman even shot me an eyeful of "and you are?" when I snickered out loud at her at least four second, 115 decibel heel scrape.

The bottom line is this: if you aren't capable of putting one foot delicately in front of the other and walking like a big girl, don't wear heels at all. The points you think you're earning by choosing the heel work even less in your favor than if you had you gone for the flat, and that is because just like there is nothing less powerful and less attractive than an indecisive man, there is nothing less powerful and less attractive than a woman who attempts but can't follow through in rocking her high heels.

If you're willing to do what it takes to hone what is in my view, one of our gender's most important and influential skills, do so in the confines of your own home. Get it right behind closed doors by gradually increasing your incline over a period of time - think of it as training-heels - and then once you're ready, unwrap those beautiful Charles David almond-toed pumps you bought for your debut and prance your proud self down ConnAve.

The same golden rule I laid out for the goal skirt applies to the heels:

earn it first, share it second


Anonymous said...

I knew you started young, but I had no idea *that* young. too cute.

Anonymous No More said...

Wow. Adorable!

friend of the editrix said...

as a man, I can verify that there is nothing more disappointing than a beautiful, well-dressed woman who walks like an ape in heels. most women have no idea how to glide like you do, johanna. you should host a workshop!

Johanna said...

I do glide, don't I?

A workshop, huh? I've always wondered how I could make money off of this skill...among others.

LK said...

That is the most adorable picture ever!!! What a little cutie pie!!