Please correct your "duck toddle" before you wear those Marc Jacobs peep toes

Not every woman was born with an elegant gait and an appreciation for catwalk posture, this I understand.

After all, I was once that girl whose ballet teacher politely but forcefully told her, "You is not so much dancer, no?" and handed her, after only three lessons, an envelope inside of which was her mother's uncashed check for the 10-week class fee and a Post-it that read, "This just isn't working out -- ballet is not for every child."

In short, as a young girl and even into my earlier adulthood, I too used to be pretty rough around the edges when it came to entering a room.

And heels? Forget about it. Until I moved to DC in the Fall of 2004 and made the conscious decision to live my life according to Ludacris' classic lyric, "We want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed," I was a mess of thick-heeled tromping and tripping, blisters and cuticle tears, complaining, excuse-making, foot-dragging and yes, even a bit of the nightmare that is the splayed-foot "duck toddle."

You know what I'm talking about. It's everywhere in this city, and frankly, I find it appalling, especially when on the ends of those webbed feet are a pair of suffering yet stunning Marc Jacobs patent leather peep toes. I'm willing to accept there may be a handful of women who were born with some kind of flipper-foot condition for which not even arduous physical therapy and corrective shoes can bring about a remedy, and to those women, I readily apologize for my insensitivity. But as for the rest of you, honestly, how difficult can it be to shift your minute hands from 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock to 12?

I did it, I taught my friends S, M and J how to do it, and being the meticulous celebristalker I am, I've watched countless child-cum-adult actresses do it as well.

Just like I say to those people who advocate every body type has an equal right to stuff itself into every trend "just because," if your goal isn't to look as elegant, polished and figure-flattering as possible, then go ahead, opt for the masculine she-beast look and continue to sully my city's sidewalks with your "duck toddle." That's your cross to bear, not mine. But don't be surprised if you and your walk end up on this site associated with a post that in its title includes either the phrase, "all sorts of fug" or "Hobbit feet make my eyes go 'ouch.' "

And finally, not that we would ever as professional, independent women go out of our way to do anything to make ourselves more attractive for the opposite sex, keep in mind that men are almost always drawn to confident women who, quite literally, exude that same brand of I'm-a-force-to-be-reckoned-with confidence in every step they take.

Just sayin'...