21 August 2007

As classy as a non-British guy who drops the c-word

Do you remember how little-girl-plays-dress-up Lindsay Lohan looked earlier this Summer as the guest of honor at the Maxim 'Hot 100' fête in her all sorts of rainbow Hervé Léger halter dress?

I can just picture her alongside her LiLo-in-training little sister Allie, deluded but sure, thinking aloud, "This will be the perfect way to show the world just how 'hot' I am."

Every time I see a woman sporting 10 opaque-white stripes across the tops of her toenails, I can't help but think of Lindsay and her technicolor dress. My tendency to immediately associate the two isn't because I recognize between them a shared brand of tackiness (though that is the thought immediately following) but rather that both were the direct result of an extremely misguided pretense.

Teaching a 21-year-old celebutante whose own mother can't seem to tell the difference between trashy and classy why a super tight, super short, super bright mini dress doesn't a talented actress imply is an endeavor for which I neither have the influence nor the patience; clearing up the ubiquitous myth that the most sophisticated way to climb down from the massage chair after a $45-plus-tip pedicure is to have one's toes resemble one's fingers, however, is a duty with which I'm more than pleased-as-punch to be charged.

Habits are hard to break, this I know only too well, but assumed truths, those you've been taught from a young age, those you've blindly accepted and likely passed onto others -- those are the ones you never think to question and that ultimately turn out to be the most difficult to leave behind.

But let's take a moment and look at this picture. I mean, really and objectively look at it. Sure, this isn't the most neatly-applied polish job, the most appealing set of toes or the most elegant pair of lobster-emblazoned grosgrain-ribbon-trimmed flip-flops, but even so, the point I'm trying to make, that the correlation between toes fashioned to look like fingers and high-class is utterly nonsensical, rings loudly and clearly.


And if you need more proof than just, oh I don't know, my opinion, I encourage you to watch an episode or two of the WE Network's can't-take-your-eyes-off-it trainwreck, "Bridezillas." The first tanorexic Long Island bride who demands her ladies-in-waiting spackle foundation over their ankle tatts and adhere to her "Crystal Elegance"-themed wedding with French mani/pedis might not convince you to step away from the stripes of "Birthday Babe," but keep watching, because with each and every class-act thereafter who, without fail, imposes the same nail uniform, you will begin to see before your very eyes the crystallization of a different correlation.

Just sayin'.

So please, join my girlfriends and me in putting a stop to the spread of the oh-so-creepy and oh-so-played-out finger-toes and opt instead for a lovely shade of 'A-List,' 'Midnight in Moscow' (see below) or, for the lower-maintenance among you, the muted Fiji Weejee Fawn or just a simple and fresh, clear-shine.

Your cooperation on this matter would make Monte oh-so-happy.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I so love this blog.

ataraxia said...

so is summer officially over now that you're painting the nails again?

Johanna said...

atarxia-

yeah, I jumped the gun last week when I saw the new Russian colors. I'm a weak, weak girl.

dara said...

I'm with anon 8:05. I spit out my cereal when I read this and only in part to the nasty pic of the French pedi. Love it.

georgia said...

You just gave the foot fetish peeps some great new material.

brown bear '02 said...

Hah hah. I don't think I've ever seen an episode of "Bridezillas" where ankle tatts *weren't* a bone of contention between a bride and her bridesmaids. Gotta love the trashiness of it all.

So a non-Brit can't drop the c bomb, huh? I guess you're right...

dc girl said...

FINALLY someone who agrees with me on this point!! Not only is the French mani/pedi more expensive but it's also so, as you said, played out. I hope people listen and stop getting it done.

Anonymous said...

I could not agree more. The idea of getting a pedicure that highlights the length of your toenails?! That's just nasty. I have been hoping for years that this trend will disappear and think your scathing review might just help accelerate that process! Exceptional work.

Anonymous said...

The implication that the Brits are somehow socially adroit enough to introduce the c-word into polite conversation s a sophism that betrays the editrix's own red-state cultural roots and social mores.

Perhaps, with her move to the East Coast she has simply become too enamoured of the effete behaviour and values of the liberal East Coast elite and their class-ridden European cousins.

Would the editrix care to publicly disavow any suspicion that "blue" is now her new "black" ;-)

etcetera said...

j, i think i'm going to hop on the bandwagon that some previous commenters started - time for you to get a decent digital camera. the treo pics are hurting my eyes. do it for monte's sake. i know you want to give him the most flattering exposure possible.

suicide_blond said...

ewww.... frenchie pedis are soo ghetto... my toes only wear
Chanel's Vamp...

xoxo

Johanna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johanna said...

anonymous 10:04-

Au contraire! Don't you worry, I'm still as red as the red on Lord Cornwallis' coat the day he so shamefully surrendered on the battlegrounds of Yorktown.

You do remember that -- your proper *place* in the grand scheme of things, I mean?

kisses and love for the troops,
J

Brooke said...

YES! You so need a new digital camera. The faithful readers of your blog should start a camera fund for you.

manhattan_darling said...

My manicurist would kiss you for this post! She HATES having to paint this shit on her brides' fingers/toes simply because they're under the impression its the "classy" thing to do. I only hope you aren't just preaching to the choir. I hope you actually make women think twice before paying the extra 3 bucks!

And ankle tatts are never a good idea. I spent a cool grand having mine removed last year. What you thought was cool at 18 isn't quite so a decade later. Finally, I can wear a nice evening shoe without having to feel self conscious about looking like a Spring Breaker.

denver fan said...

My manicurist is always complaining about having to do the French tips too! DC, New York, Denver...I see a trend!

stuck in l.a. said...

The one and only time I rocked a French pedi was when my sister-in-law required it by threat of death if anyone defied her. I spent half the reception chipping it off and then paid another $15 the next day for a professional polish change. Brides: listen to Johanna on this one.

Not a fashion queen said...

Love the new Russian OPI collection, but I am going to wear my girly summer pale pink color pedi till labor day weekend. I will be vamping the dark reds in September.

My other pet peeve are people who don't get pedis in the winter. If you are getting any *action* someone is seeing your feet in bed and they should always be in tip top condition! Winter weather is hard on feet and they deserve pampering too!

holiday said...

I bought OPI Light My Sapphire. It's the perfect navy blue polish. You should definitely pick it up too.

I totally agree with you on French Pedicures. They skeeve me out as much as acrylic toenails.

Alisha said...

Shut up! They make acrylic TOENAILS?!?!

Seriously?! Sick.

Anonymous said...

Fiji Weejee Fawn rocks.

Kate said...

I totally agree on the French pedis. My main confusion lies, basically, in the length issue. To be specific, one gets a French mani and paints any excess nail - the long part - white. So, by getting a French pedi, you are suggesting that your toenails are too long. That's disgusting. Toes are for Barbie Pink and Vamp Purple.

Hey Pretty said...

I'm a Lincoln Park After Dark gal myself, although it's a bit dark for the summer. This summer I've been rocking the Candy Darling polish by Nars--a pink so pale it's almost white.

Anonymous said...

- if you have acrylic nails, you are a tacky bitch
- if you have french manicured toes, you are not only a tacky bitch, you need to just give up and carry around a can of cheese whiz
this post reminds me of a something i read in a fashion magazine- an editor said that french manicured nails were always tacky and some ignorant bitch wrote a letter to the editor about how she had french manicured nails and she was so fashionable and classy. tacky bitch

DClashqueen said...

Right on, Johanna! French pedis are just stupid! They started that crap in the 80's and it's still going strong more than 20 years later. Give it up already...French Pedicures are FUGLY!