17 May 2007

Why you don't let your little sister dress you

At first glance, I actually didn't hate this dress.

The more I looked at it, though, the more angles and closeups I clicked on, the more I realized, no, I didn't hate it but I didn't really like it, either. In fact, it wasn't like or dislike I was feeling, it was more...nostalgia. I'd had this reaction to a dress before. But which dress was it? Who wore it? When? The more I racked my celeb-saturated head for the answer, the farther that bit of stored information slipped somewhere in between my second favorite red carpet gown of all time (Natalie Portman in gunmetal Lanvin at the 2005 Oscars) and the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Stuck on you."

So I took a break, ate my cherry Jell-o cup and two slices of double-anchovy thin-crust with light-cheese and light-sauce, read thesuperficial.com, then came back with a clearer head and a fuller tummy and took a second stab at it. No sooner had I turned on my standard he's-thinking-about-me-I-know-he-is Snow Patrol did it come to me.

The reaction I had to this rainbow-hued Hervé Léger-looking dress was the same one as when, at 10 years old while watching Pretty Woman for the first time, I fell in love with the blue-and-white lycra and stainless steel contraption Julia Roberts wore when she was on her knees unzipping Richard Gere's grey pinstripe suitpants in the penthouse suite at the Regent Beverly Wilshire.

Put simply, the super-tight, super-short, pole-dancer-heeled, 7th-grade-friendship-bracelet-ed ensemble Lindsay Lohan wore last night to a fete in her honor for being named Maxim Magazine's "hottest woman in the world" at NYC's Gansevoort Hotel is the kind of ensemble a little girl with no sense of fashion or understanding of what blowjob-for-a-twenty-wear looks like might pick out when asked the question, "Honey, which dress do you think the hottest woman in the world should wear to her big party?"

For more of Lindsay looking like the X-rated hybrid of Jem and Rainbow Brite, see the pictures below.

And I beg of you, unless you want to see the tragedy that is a 20 year old looking six months shy of Rue McClanahan, do NOT click on the close-up.


jessica said...

all I have to say is YIKES!

and once I clicked on the close-up -- double YIKES!!

Lady Tiara said...

that dress reminded me of some 80s trends that should be forgotten: rainbow suspenders and rainbow shoelaces. shudder.

i had to click on the close-up. it made me feel pretty good. i think my 30-something face has fewer wrinkles than her's.

freckledk said...

The close-up of that photo makes me feel like the most fresh-faced 35 year old on the planet. Bless you for that!

Anonymous said...

How she beat Eva Mendes is one of life's biggest mysteries.