14 June 2007

The standard has been set


As much as I like to believe - and usually do believe - everything I read on Wonkette, there was a post on their site today linked to from Jezebel in which an unnamed writer crowned Obama the early victor in "luring" the votes of "the elusive slutty anxious female demographic," a determination that even after reading the entirety of the "article" I found as baseless and confusing as Cameron Diaz's continued inclusion on any list associated with the word "sexy" and without the words "buttaface gnome."

It's hard to fathom a media outlet that can in one breath speak the sobering truth and report that former Austrian president Kurt Waldheim "choked to death on the devil’s cock" and then turn around and link to - i.e. promote as the truth - as grossly subjective a piece as the one mentioned above. Not only is this calling the game a wee bit before the final inning but it's also putting forth an argument that is precariously hinged on the assumption there doesn't exist an even larger contingent of even sluttier and even more anxious females who are in the throes of creating their own "I gotta crush on Giuliani/Gilmore/McCain/Brownback/Huckabee/etc." YouTube-able streams.

Sure, this 'Obama Girl' may have hit the jackpot with a candidate whose first and last names are easily pliable into both dirty-sounding verbs and nouns, but if for example, I were tasked to put together such a project for my GOP hardbody of choice, what with his wholesome background coupled with my porn-distracted mind and four-Kaplan-courses-worth-of-flashcard-enhanced vocabulary, some seriously salacious video magic could be made.

It would start, as most good things do, with the intoxicating melody of Silk's early-'90s classic "Freak Me." Following, "Flavor-of-Love"-worthy outfits and a whole lot of the kind of outlining-the-hips-with-both-palms writhing you find every Thursday through Saturday at MCCXXIII. Then, an assembly of random urban backdrops like public fountains, the L'enfant Plaza metro (D St. entrance), that Thai restaurant over in the U St. corridor and a block of PennAve that's populated entirely by thick-waisted Dads in suits from the Men's Wearhouse. After all that's nailed down, it's just peripheral tasks: casting average-looking office boys who have good "you're way hotter than I am" expressions, getting down pat the talking-dirty-with-the-eyes look (see profile pic -- almost there), tracking down and poster-ifying a shirtless photo of candidate Rom-it-in-me (hey, I'm still working on it), and finally, finding a bikini that is both patriotic and rack-flattering for those all-important split-screens.

The lyrics? Oh right...lyrics. Well, I'll just have to take the template I created back in 1987 for Wyoming's at-large congressional district election, tone it down - waaaay down - and start from there.

'Obama Girl' might want her candidate to bah-rock her all night long, but make no mistake, there are plenty of red-state Romney girls out there who want to be mitt-mitt-Mitt'n that ass just as hard and just as dirty.

But I must give props to whomever came up with the "You're into border security/now let's break down the border between you and me" lyric. That shit's poetry.

6 comments:

Dave said...

And Mitt can marry as many of them as he wants

west coast devotee said...

I now expect a YouTube video of this Mitt-endorsing song to the tune of "Freak Me". Seriously, I'm *expecting* it.

bff in chicago said...

you two should do a "debate" video. that'd be hot.

she sorta looks like that kim kardashian, doesn't she?

i think you're brilliant said...

that last part has to do with Dick, right? the wyoming allusion? oh Hannie...it's just soooo wrong and gross and everything else that's bad with the world.

but I could totally see you at 7 years old putting something like that together, which is impressive and creepy.

nyc admirer said...

"mitt mitt Mitt'n that ass just as hard and just as dirty"

I laughed out loud, doll. nicely done.

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.