24 May 2007

'Twas not meant to be.

I shouldn't have done it. There was no point, nothing to be gained other than an assured rejection of the most painful sort.

I knew before I picked up the phone and crafted in my head just the right way to ask that one question that doing so would only thrust my self-pity to the next level of since-when-do-I-not-get-what-I-want? depression.

But of course I did it, anyway. I called him. He answered on the second ring. He was friendly, but only mildly so and in a very because-I-have-no-choice kind of way. We both recognized it. The conversation lasted no more than a few minutes, the vast majority of which belonged to the various permutations of my knew-the-answers-but-asked-them-anyway questions delivered with a holding-back-tears shake of the voice.

"Over? Like totally over?"

"I'm afraid so."

"But last week everything was fine, we were together and it was...it was spiritual. It was beyond spiritual. There was this connection, and it..."

"Yes, but last week was last week, and this week is this week."

"But I love..."

"I know, and it was a perfect fit, but..."

"How often does a perfect fit happen? Tell me, how often?"

"Rarely, but that's not the issue now. You need to move on and find..."

"But I don't want to find another. I want th..."
"There'll always be another season, another chance to find..."

"Look, you don't understand. They were it for me. And now you're telling me they're gone and you're never getting another shipment? Never??"

"I'm sorry, but we work on a season by season basis, and once the line is sold-out, we..."

"I understand. I mean, I don't, but I...so you're telling me someone else has my shoes? My shoes? I...I can't even..."

"I do apologize. At least you have the pict..."

"A picture? You think a picture is going to fill the...look, I have to go. This is too upsetting for me to discuss right now."


And thus ended my one-sided love affair with the perfect shoe I knew from the moment it caught me eye - and I caught an eyeful of its almost-half-my-rent pricetag - could never be mine. I know, I know, I should have seen it coming. I should've taken more seriously the "Within the day, for sure" answer to my "Do you think these will go quickly?" question I posed to the salesman, but as I always do, I left Hu's Shoes last Sunday blindly convinced they'd show up one unexpected afternoon in a white stretch limo with a long-stemmed rose bunch poking out of the sunroof while an Italian aria beckoned me to my half-open window and proved true my belief in fateful meetings with an "I'm here! I love you! Let's go to Library and show ourselves off!" happily-ever-after pronouncement.

But in the end, I'm not a former prostitute and the Maison Martin Margiela ankle-bangle stilettos aren't Richard Gere. And like doomed love affairs of the human variety, sometimes woman-shoe love just 'twasn't meant to be. Yes, 'twasn't.

Sorry, E, I know you told me to turn off the weepy music and stop wasting my youth and sass on self-pity, but this is different. This isn't him, this is them.

And my heart is inconsolably broken, begging for Damien Rice:


etcetera said...

*rolling my eyes*

d said...

sorry bout the shoes...

how do you find time to be so 'girly' being a military analyst??

very inspriring...

d said...

not to mention update this blog??

nyc admirer said...

You need to go out more, doll. I'm surprised you don't have to beat them off with a bat down there.

I plan on doing it for you (seriously) next week when you're sashaying up Madison Ave with me.

Johanna said...


Good questions.

The first I'm not sure how to answer. All of a sudden I went from tomboy to girly girl. Just happened.

The second question - I spend every lunch hour and every night writing posts. I do it casserole style in that I'll write 2 or three in one evening and dole them out during the week when I have less time to devote to my baby blog. The ones posted in the morning are written the night before, the ones posted in the afternoon are half-written the night before, half-written during lunch, and the ones posted after work are half-written during lunch and half-written after work.

Oh, and on top of that, my social life consists of watching MSNBC documentaries with my dog.

Sad, huh?

Noelle said...

"Oh, and on top of that, my social life consists of watching MSNBC documentaries with my dog."

I love this about you! I think it makes your beauty, wit and amazing fashion sense so much more endearing =)

M said...

If you are really set on wanting them I once called the Delman headquarters and asked them to track a particular size/style down for me so I could buy them. Of course they have excellent customer service so it ended up being a match made in heaven... :)

Hope this helps, I know the horrible "I should've bought it while I had the chance" feeling of regret all too well.

Kathryn said...

I once went to a wedding where that was the song chosen for the bride and groom's first dance. It always struck me as an odd choice.

tom h said...

Jo Jo Jo shame on you you had them on your feet.......you should have grabed them while you had the chance the rent can always wait.....

you're overrated said...

ugh, could you get ANY MORE superficial?

Noelle said...

"You're Overated", I'm truly curious as to why you continue reading this blog if Johanna irritates you to such a high degree...

I second it said...

I'm with "you're overrated". at first, I was annoyed that she would write something about a relatinoship, but when I finally realized it was about shoes and not a guy, I was even more turned off.

You're single and watching TV with your dog at night for a reason, and it's not because you choose to.

Anonymous said...

Wow, people need to get off the hate train and learn how to punctuate. The quotation marks follow the period “I second it.” If you are going to criticize at least proof your writing.

I know plenty of single women who would rather spend their weeknights in watching television than go out with any mundane guy. Free drinks and dinner can be great, standards and an amazing night of television are better.

Plus there is no sense in wasting a fabulous outfit.

Johanna said...

Noelle and anonymous -

thanks for sticking up for me, but I think "you're overrated" (and perhaps this other "anonymous") are firmly in the I-hate-Johanna camp.

I joke about how sad it is I'm practically dating Jon Siegenthaler with how often I watch him on Fri/Sat nights, but truth be told, I kinda like it that way. Keeping standards high.


Great advice! But sadly, this guy only makes something like 25 pairs per shoe, so once they're gone, they're gone. Plus, $645 is just not in the cards in my near - if ever - future.


Having that song as your wedding song is retarded. It's like the most haunting thing you could possibly play. I wonder what those two were thinking. Did they see "Closer"??

Anonymous said...

I really can't understand why some people are giving you such a hard time! I started reading your blog a while ago and I have continued reading it because I think you truly are witty, intelligent and a good writer. I suspect that some of your readers are unable to understand your sarcasm and dry humor. Also, I guess it is hard for women with low self-esteem to appreciate the hotness of other women...But seriously, life is too short to hide hotness and fabulousness! You're embracing it and I applaud that.

Anonymous said...

this is the most tragic story i have ever read. seriously. shoe sorrow. i feel it.

ps. how did this comments veer into such a harsh direction? boo.

Anonymous said...

also apparently i cannot speak english properly. "this comments" = "these comments."