05 May 2007

Rumors -- worse than Smith Point & all of Adams Morgan put together

Yesterday after work I entered the third ring of DC social scene hell otherwise known as the Cinco de Mayo eve party at the sounds-like-a-gay-bar-but-surprisingly-isn't Rumors on the corner of 19th/M.

I should preface this by saying my presence at this establishment was not of my own volition but rather borne out of guilt for saying "Sorry, I think I'm just gonna watch MSNBC and order Thai tonight" for 50 consecutive Fridays to my painstakingly perseverant friends.

Before I even reached the intersection, even without my glasses, I could already see the $4 straw sombreros and the sea of red Dixie cups. I could also already hear the frat-talk and smell the cocktail of cheap tequila, jalapeno poppers and the need-to-find-a-spouse-before-I'm-30 desperation wafting above and into rush hour traffic.

"Jesus, P, why this place? Why today?" I whispered aloud to myself, clicking quickly away from "Pieces Don't Fit Here Anymore" to "Love Today" in an attempt to invent inside me a happy swell that might translate into an I'm-not-completely-grossed-out-to-be-here look.

I wasn't successful.

"What's with the sourpuss, pretty pussycat?" a curiously sweaty (it was in the low 60s), buzzcutted oaf in an ill-fitted pinstriped suit threw my way while playfully but not really playfully blocking my path with his used-to-play-football-but-now-just-talks-about-how-he-used-to-play-football 40-inch circumference from the restaurant to the shipdeck-like balcony where I could see P and R were already sitting, double-fisting tequila shots and wearing show-me-your-boobs! beads atop their professional knits.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just not gonna answer that, okay? Not really in the mood tonight." I whipped back a little more curtly that I'd intended.

"Whoah, okay, I get it, you're that kind of girl. You don't wanna talk to anybody because you're just sooo..."

"Walking away now..." I said, sucking in my tummy and slipping through the two-inch crevice between his fat ass and another similarly shaped gentleman wearing a "Be Cinco de Mine-o!" muscle tee.

"You came! Yay!" P and R cheered in unison, their joyousness genuine but likely enhanced by whatever had been in the empty half-dozen plastic cups now lying tipped-over on the dark green waterproofed table.

So there we sat for a good long while, until the sun set, they drinking the spirits of the occasion and I nursing my one Miller Lite.

As we were in full catching-up swing, the same guy from before - the "you're that kind of girl" guy - barrels up to our table, trips right before reaching me and actually falls into my shoulder with his simian paws. Without apologizing for his behavior (why would he, after all?), still leaning painfully hard into my size 2 upper body with all his XXL-ness, he opened his mouth and slurred, "Hey, um, my buddy over there (points to said buddy sitting across the deck) wanted to know, um, if maybe you needed someone to give you anal, so you're not so fucking stuck-up."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, we thought maybe, um, you should let one of us try and, you know, get..."

"I heard you, and you really need to get your hand off my favorite shirt (using a napkin as a buffer, I helped him rather forcefully do just that) and to take all two tons of your ass and walk away from our table."

Without looking behind me to see him lumber off, I could hear he and his buddy say something that included "dude" "bitch" and "no shit," followed by a high five slap and a celebratory stein clink.

"I'm gonna go," I announced, interrupting the stunned minute or so of hovering silence, "It's been fun, really, but I'm gonna go."

"Are you sure?" R sheepishly asked, knowing full-well my mind was made up.

"Guys, I love you to death, but honestly, I would rather be at mile 19 without an anti-inflammatory than stay here any longer. I tried, I did, but..."

"We know, it's not your scene."

"Yeah, it's not my scene."

And with that, I made my first and final exit from Rumors.

As soon as I hit the sidewalk and was far away enough to breathe in a clean gulp of air, I reached into my daybag, pulled out my iPod, turned straight to Sophie Zelmani and went out of my way to walk by and peek at the crowds in Spezie, DC Coast and Palette on my way home.


Sparkles Anon! said...

Rumors is a good place to grab lunch outside on a nice day (if you happen to be less than a block away, which I am). But I wouldn't get within 50 feet of that place after 6 pm.

dc girl said...

I agree with "sparkles anon!"

For a salad or turkey burger during the day, it's okay (not great but okay). But after work, especially on a day like Cinco de Mayo, it's just such a nasty meat market. It's also an eyesore on a street that has so many other nice outdoor dining establishments. *Not* the kind of place you'd ever want to meet someone.

Johanna, you captured the crowd *perfectly*. And I wish I could've been there to punch that asscrack in his fat gut for you!!!

jessica said...

OMG, I was there last night too! I can't believe I didn't see you! Rumors was in RARE form.

Agreed with the other 2 comments - a place for food and cheap beer, not a place to find your soulmate.

Or to wear good shoes. Mine got ruined :(

Johanna said...

Hmmm...I might have agreed with you all if my time there had been ho-hum, but considering what happened, I think I'm going to insist on a never-again rule on that awful, awful place.

Like a bad book or a restaurant that hires waitresses who don't listen when you ask (twice) for a "black and blue, raw all the way through" filet mignon, Rumors is the kind of place where there's just no point in giving it a second chance.

Not even for a mid-day club sandwich.

S said...

I CANNOT believe you went to that shit-hole! It's notorious in DC for being exactly what you described. The disgusting guys, the desperate for a proposal women, the plastic cups -- what were you thinking???

intern in the city said...

You should have hopped next door to Nooshi and sat with my me and friends! Rumors is so bad that we almost dread going to Nooshi. That stink you wrote of - on occasion, it's been so bad it even make our satays and Sapporos (in GLASS glasses) taste like shit.

Anonymous said...

I love Palette!

Anonymous said...

I think it was said best in an earlier post:

"I'm surprised you didn't ditch your friend and go after the older guy yourself. Would've fit your M.O." (Vesper Lynd Trumps Solange Every Time, "anonymous" comment, May 3, 2007 8:57 PM)


Seriously, why are you all blushy and pure? I expected that you'd throw the fat man's drink in his face and laugh as he sputtered.

Maybe next time?

Johanna said...

Maybe next time.

But as much as I believe in spearing people with words, I'm actually not one who's ever believed in doing so - with men OR women - with any kind of physicality.

Unless someone makes that kind of move on me first, which thankfully, has only happened once.

A guy that big and with that little respect for women -- I had every reason to think that if I'd thrown a drink in his face, he might have blown up and done something more serious.

Plus, that day, I was just so drained emotionally and physically that I didn't have the energy to really deal with a waste of space like him.

C said...

I don't like Rumors either.

Anonymous said...

I'm so horrified by what happened to you and I don't even know you. WHere the EFF were "P" and "R" when all this went down? And your girls stayed after that happened!? Wow. *sigh*

Arjewtino said...

You're lucky you escaped without contracting an STD from the dance floor.