30 April 2007

How does *she* get a $10M book deal?


In between not parenting and prancing around Sunset Boulevard in cowboy hooker-wear, Britney Spears is apparently in the throes of writing a book.

Not sketching with glittered stencils, not sticker booking, not having her manny read to her a Betty & Veronica Double Digest, but actually penning what I assume will be a 200+ page book filled with chapters, a table of contents and a glossary to help guide readers through terms like hickabilliest, luuved'imlots, and mmmyeah-like.

I realize this is a tell-all, not a critical deconstruction of Umberto Eco's Name of the Rose, but still, knowing that a woman - a mother - who walks around in broad daylight looking half like Michael Jackson from the "Billie Jean" video and half like Brandee from MSNBC's "Hollywood Vice" documentary, can land a multimillion dollar book deal strikes this hard-working writer and analyst as just plumb nawwfair.

An unnamed "close source" to the Spears clan (i.e. Us Weekly intern) claims a large portion of the book will be a scathing assessment of the chanteuse's relationship with egomaniacal ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake who apparently, "called her fat and told her she'd need to lose weight before he would have sex with her."

Given where her body is now, Brit should spit out that wad of Big League Chew, get on her knees, press together her acrylics and pray her next temporary man-skank only requests she shed a few pounds before doing the 2-5 minute, foreplay-free deed. Five years, two babies and two wonky thighs after Justin dumped her cheating ass, I wouldn't deign to judge any man who instructed her to undergo a series of aggressive microdermabrasions, implemented a strict "no talking" rule, and disallowed all artificial cheese snack chips/rinds/curls in the bedroom.

Can't wait for the pre-order!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

YAY! You're back!

Anonymous said...

Wow. And no doubt, it will be a best-seller

Noelle said...

I just don't understand her. She has enough money to pay others to make sure she looks decent, so why not take advantage of a stylist? It's one thing to be a clueless Hill employee looking pitiful and quite another to be a mega star with access to free couture looking pitiful.

bff in chicago said...

Mmmmm...3,000 calorie deficit...

tom h said...

Welcome back J...just take it slowwww and easyyyy...I am proud of you hun.....

nyc admirer said...

Are you wearing heels today, doll? I'll understand if you're not but I won't lie, I'd also be sorta disappointed...such a waste when your legs probably are at their most amazing!

AnĂ³nimo No Mas said...

Congratulations!

Eat a whole bag of oreos (or your favorite post run snack) while getting a pedicure with paraffin wax.

a fan said...

That ho is such a mess.