19 April 2007

Crocs rebuttal


In response to the "but they're comfortable" excuse:

Comfort may be a reason to buy something to wear in private (that explains why I own tapered Army sweatpants and three adult-size onesies), but it is NOT an acceptable justification for wearing said item in a public space, especially if that item is a pair of Crocs and you are a professional woman with dignity and at least 20/800 vision.


Imagine if you will the kind of world we'd have to live in if everyone wore whatever they wanted just because it was "more comfortable."


There would be pajama pants, fleece socks and bralessness in corporate meetings, there would be platform flip-flops, spandex shorts and oversized t-shirts on dates, there would be muscle tees and Mephisto sport sandals at happy hours, and eyebrow, leg, armpit, back and down-there hair growing wild and unkempt, peeking out of hemlines, necklines, waistlines and sleeves in every crowded subway car. If you think you're not having enough sex right now, just imagine how little you'd have if your boyfriend, wife or whomever felt (s)he had the right to dress, wax and tweeze however they - not society - deemed appropriate. He might be that one guy who listens with sincere interest about the people at your work and he may be that one guy who knows to calm you down with a pint of B&J Phish Food when you're acting like a demon-bitch three days before your period, hell, he may even be "the one," but I guarantee you if this soulmate of yours allowed a unibrow to settle above his nose-bridge, grew a T-shaped back-rug and decided to roll up to your best friend's wedding commando in his favorite Redskins-embroidered Zubaz pants, "Lickalotapus" hoodie and a pair of emerald green man-Crocs, your sex-drive would plummet about as quickly and extremely as Bill Clinton's does every time he hangs his head and walks in the front door.

You may think I'm going to the extreme end of extreme to prove my point, but frankly, I think Crocs are just as extreme in their offensiveness as any of the items I've enumerated above. Like denim stretch pants, Crocs are the quintessential example of a 100%-function-over-fashion item.


Look, I believe in indulging in ugly comfort when it comes to your own residence, but when I kiss my puppy's underbelly goodbye and cross that threshold into the no-longer-my-private-space public domain, the balance tips the other way --- as it should for everyone.


Where you fall in the fashion/function debate is up to you obviously, but just ask yourself this one question: what's more important, the comfort of an anti-microbial dishwasher-safe shoe and an extra $600 from not getting your hoo-hah Brazilianed for a year, or the confidence you gain from knowing you look your best and a sex life that consists of more than just the let's-both-look-to-the-side-and-get-this-over-with and the it's-your-birthday-so-I'll-allow-it-but-hurry-up positions?


Seems obvious to me.

20 comments:

tom h said...

Johanna you are sooo funny but right on target. Those birthday sex hurry up positions suck......

Brunch Bird said...

I don't typically snort with laughter but I just did reading this. Well done.

brown rowergirl said...

I laughed out loud. This is SO you, I actually felt you were here saying this to me.

No one does it better, and by "it" I mean speak the gospel in a bitchier tone and with more perfect grammar.

M said...

This is absolutely hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud but I also got the chills. That last description about the bad sex hit too close to home...

dc girl said...

You should write a column, seriously. This town, more of it anyway, needs your wisdom on a daily basis.

hopefully the word gets out on the Crocs. they are just a mess of ugly and you're right, they're everywhere!

knew you as hannie said...

Zubaz pants? Lickalotapus? Where the 'eff do you find this stuff?

Classic post. Classic *Hannie.*

Hannie/Johanna/whatever.

new fan said...

I don't know what to say beyond "well played." This is the perfect assessment of those creepy clogs.

And unlike the crazy wench-a-saurus who went off on you last week, I think the only reason you haven't "found a husband" is because you've slaughtered them all with your wit. Who could keep up? Only Jon Stewart and on a good night, Conan O'Brien.

I have a total blog crush on you -- does it show much?

etcetera said...

brunch bird - you snort with laughter *all* the time and you know it.

jessica said...

You should print out hundreds of copies of this and the last post and pass them out on the street to people who wear Crocs.

Now *that* would show dedication to the DC style cause!

Brooke said...

I think I will wear my fuschia crocs to work tomorrow (and I don't just mean for the commute) just to spite you and your followers!!!!

Jen said...

I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am that there are sane people out there who realize what a travesty those things are. I thought I was the only one immune to the pandemic. *sighs with relief*

Golden Silence said...

Those things are scary...bright, clunky and scary.

i write i said...

Proof that crocs are horrible, horrible creations:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,2061288,00.html?gusrc=rss&feed=1

erin said...

I printed this out tonight and am going to "accidentally" drop it on a few coworkers' desks tomorrow morning.

If I'm confronted, I'll just admit I was the culprit, nominally apologize for my rudeness (don't want to get fired for creating a "hostile work environment") and follow up with an "eventually you'll thank me" look.

bean said...

I will say that I wore Crocs every day when I worked at a nursing home, and loved them... However, now that I no longer work there, said Crocs are relegated to inside-the-apartment use. I must admit that they're unbelievably comfortable, though, and were a nice conversation-starter among the elderly residents of the home (people tend to look at the floor when using a walker), who all thought they were cute.

Maybe I'd also wear them if I were going sailing or something - they were originally intended as boat shoes, I think. But yeah, for everyday use with normal clothes? Not so much.

cuff said...

I don't own any crocs, but I'm glad a few people are willing to use them to break out of the bland DC uniform that passes for style around here. It'd be great if we could get a bit more New York quirkiness and a little less buttondown dullness.

Anonymous said...

It is "Phish" food not "fish" food.

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