20 March 2007

I don't get the scarf look.

I'll never be the one who only wears articles of clothing that make practical, functional sense.

I love ridiculously small clutches that require me to carry my Treo in the other hand and to use my latent Tetris skills to fit my remaining ID, debit card, eyeliner and Kiehl's lip balm just so in order to snap it shut.

I love my backless silk blouse that as soon as I turn around announces to the world, "Ha-ay, guess whose lady bits are only a millimeter of shiny fabric away from the world?"

I love my collection of super-cropped cap-sleeved boleros, capelets, swing and bell jackets that provide no real warmth and whose only function is to break up my cat-burglar-black ensemble with a bit of pattern or color.

I love love LOVE my white knit, white eyelet and jewel-blue satin micro mini dresses that have on dozens of occasions made me say, "nuh-uh, not tonight" whenever the notion of sitting down crossed my mind.

And I know if I actually had it, I would love - and wear - until the end of time that oversized Dean Burke designed Aquamarine cocktail ring in today's "Sugar Daddy" feature.

Of all the impractical items a woman wears for no other reason than to make herself look more beautiful, there is one I have never understood from the time I was a little thing looking like this but less furious in the front pew at Norman Presbyterian Church to today, when once again, I saw a half-dozen women walking around these parts donning this not only unnecessary but age-enhancing layer.

Yes, I am talking about the 3' x 3' multicolored nautical/paisley/animal-print/holiday/Bible-themed silk scarf. I don't care if that thing is a real Herm├Ęs, I don't care if that knot you've tied it with was invented by Yves Saint Laurent himself, and I sure as hell don't care if your kid bought it for you at the Duty-Free shop for your birthday -- it's ugly. And not only that, but it covers your neckline, which, in a lot of these cases is the one thing these women have left that hasn't "left the building" prematurely.

If your goal is to add unique touches to a boring black pantsuit, ditch the matching jacket and pick up a complementary one in ivory, tweed or even red, throw out the scoopneck for a more youthful, eye-catching pin-tucked or peter pan collared neckline, add a pair of brightly colored garnet/citrine/spinel studs, tie your hair back into an elegant chignon or low ponytail, slide on a wide leather croc-embossed headband and/or top it off with a slightly-out-of-your-comfort-zone pair of skinny heels in an unexpected silhouette and color.

So let's please do everyone a favor, including the man in your life who cringes every time you rustle through that scarf drawer, and put those busy picnic blankets back where they belong -- tightly sealed up in the bin in the garage with the holiday sweaters, the Birkenstocks, the Umbro shorts and the pleated pants.


a Johanna fan said...

AMEN x 1000!!!

knew you has hannie said...

OMG -- Umbro shorts! I laughed out loud when I read that! I used to have so many pairs of those. And though I don't want to admit it, I had a few pairs of those German sandals too. Forgive me, JC!

Anonymous said...

That is such an unfashionable Mom thing to do. I see it all over these parts (Bethesda) as well. They think that just because they're wearing a scarf no one else owns that they're being hip, but they actually just look really sad. And ten years older.

holiday said...

I've decided to embrace my scarf collection again this Spring. I just think they are incredibly sexy. Obviously not the way Speaker Pelosi is sporting it, but there are so many different ways to wear them that are interesting and unique. You should check out the Hermes scarf guide for other ideas on how to tie them.

Johanna said...

holiday - I'm willing to learn how to wear scarves, I guess I was just criticizing the over-the-shoulder drape I so often see on female politicians and high school principals. My BFF "L" rocks a scarf like no other - as a belt, in her hair, etc. - so there are *some* scarf options I don't entirely mind. For me, though, aside from the occasional scarf-turned-headband, I think I'll always be scarf-free.