The 'Fluffy Effect'

I didn't think it was possible for Sandra to take a picture where she didn't look like a hobbit foot, but here at her Marie Claire cover party, Ms. Oh is as resplendent as she's ever been in a straight-from-the-runway Japanese-inspired leaf-print Giambattista Valli strapless gown.

It's not the candid snap of the Grey's Anatomy castmate that has my rapt attention, however, it's the poster-size photo propped up in front of that boy-shaped woman whose best work to date, in my opinion, was as Luke Wilson's love interest in Old School.

Upon seeing Sandra's horrific April cover, we were all forced to go through the stages of fright, pity, anger and acceptance; it's not just unsettling but enraging, then, to find out after all that grief, the editors at Marie Claire had this much less offensive, much less her-looking picture up their sleeve.

Allow me, if you will, a slight digression.

For those four of you who haven't read the first book in the Harry Potter series, Fluffy was a vicious three-headed dog guarding the eternal-life-providing Philosopher's stone. To pass through Fluffy's domain, Harry learned he would first have to lull the beast to sleep with a special flute given to him by Hagrid. When and only when the dog's slumber was achieved, could he and Ron and Hermione safely traverse through the trap door and into the chamber where the stone was located.

I don't think whomever chose Sandra's final cover shot realizes just how much of a 'Fluffy Effect' her face has on its magazine.

Until I get the courage to rip off the front page or someone from Marie Claire corporate headquarters informs me how to lull this beast off the cover with some kind of instrument, my April issue will remain face-down, unopened in the back of my bookshelf.