29 March 2007

Even if Paul Giamatti gets naked, I'll see it.

"Mr. Smith delivers a woman's baby during a shootout, and is then called upon to protect the newborn from an army of gunmen."

This is the uh, intriguing tagline for a to-be-released-this-September film called Shoot 'Em Up I vow to see no fewer than four times in the theater, eight times on DVD, and like Road House, Rising Sun and Commando before it, will receive a rare standing offer to remain un-channel-changed until the credits roll whenever the monkeys at TNT decide to anoint it "a new classic" and air it every other Sunday afternoon.


Well, let's begin with this "Mr. Smith." Imagine if you will the last famous movie character with that moniker and add a deeper, throatier British accent, a more believable I'll-fu**ing-kill-him-if-he-looks-at-you intensity and broader shoulders. That's right, this Mr. Smith is no fussy family man but rather the James Bond who should've been, my number one man-crush, Clive Owen.

I can hear my friends now, "Okay...but you didn't rush to see Derailed, so what's the big deal?" First off, Jennifer Aniston playing a seductress would have made the $6 worth of Chipotle in my tummy come right back up where it went down, and second...well, there is no second.

The big deal, readers, is that in addition to listening to Clive's voice for 120 minutes, his lady love in this sure-to-be big hot mess is none other than Monica Bellucci. That's right, just like the perfect storms of hotness that are the duos Bush/Cheney, McAdams/Gosling and Johanna/Montesquieu, higher forces have finally brought together the two most crave-worthy specimens in Hollywood.

Paul Giamatti playing the leader of the aforementioned "army of gunmen" notwithstanding - does anyone else think he should stick to self-deprecating comedy? - after seeing these two photos, the first released stills from Shoot 'Em Up, I know not even last-minute cast additions of Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz could keep me away from opening afternoon.

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