Or in the plastic bin marked "Halloween Costumes."
I know, I know, just yesterday I was singing the praises of Out of Africa's dungaree chic, but there is a difference between - and separate standards for - functional khaki and non-functional khaki.
I have no problem with the former, though the day you hear me say, "Do we have enough water and mosquito netting for the weekend?" is not one I anticipate any time soon.
Non-functional khakis, the ones you slip on when you're too paunchy to fit into your less forgiving denim, are a lazy form of casual trousers. They're hardly ever a good fit in the leg, nearly always cut too short at the hem, often held up by an equally atrocious braided leather belt, and can even give a petite, slender woman like the one I saw this morning head into the Caribou Coffee on 18th and M, a balloon-seat.
And khakis with heels? Why don't you just get the Asian mom bob, slip on a size medium Talbots twin-set in a sensible color and add "Desperate Housewives" to your Tivo Season Pass?
Alternatives to the non-functional khaki pant to come later today.