5 best evening eyes of the Spring semester

Natalie Portman (Paris je t'aime premiere)

Hilary Duff (Dignity release party) Katie Holmes (Vanity Fair post-Oscar party) Katherine McPhee (TRL appearance)Sienna Miller (BAFTA Awards)

Best calves in the business

"Damn, those are nice calves..." aren't typically the first five words that pop into my head when I see a woman, famous or not, in heels and a skirt.

But when I saw this picture, I thought just that. Twice. And then said it out loud.

In part because of my tremendously high standards, in part because I'm territorial - you don't see Scarlett gushing over Lucy Pinder's rack, J.Lo swooning over Jessica Biel's ass or Sienna Miller carrying on about Hilary's Duff's eye makeup, after all - I don't tend to recognize nor reward the shapeliness, strength or overall perfection of a pair of calves unless they're attached to my own body. My justification for this is the same as why I so infrequently tuck dollar bills into thongs at Camelot -- the ladies haven't earned it.

But in this case, despite the frigid humorless bitch to whom these calves are attached, I cannot deny praise where praise is due, and here, in this black asymmetric off-the-shoulder Oscar de la Renta dress, in these patent-leather platform heels, and at this angle, this 37-year-old mother of two (and avid runner) has what I am now anointing, "the best calves in the business."

Though I fear she's unaware she peaked back in 1986 with her performance in every middle school kid's favorite indoor-recess film and has since been on a decline that can't be half as painful for her to experience as it was for us to sit through (think shitbombs like The Rockateer, Dark Water and especially A Beautiful Mind), at least she can proudly show her kids these pictures.

And then she can go back to saving the world one Blood Diamond, one hybrid minivan, one Hillary Clinton fundraiser at at time.

*And* a sparkly showpiece trench?

A lot of things in life aren't fair.

Irreversible knee injuries happen to people who run marathons, fluency in a foreign language is never permanent, all men who make me laugh are married, and in addition to having the most elegant non-black party dress of 2007, Hilary Duff, a girl seven years my junior whose biggest accomplishments are losing her baby weight and having her best song hijacked as the theme to a reality show - no knock to "Laguna Beach," of course - also gets to claim ownership over this stunning silver showpiece trench, which I believe hails from Burberry Prorsum's Fall/Winter 2007 runway collection.

Though the dress is hands-down the item I covet more between the two, there's just something so alluring, so no-one-else-has-it-but-you about that sparkly trench. I imagine it over a fitted black cashmere sleeveless turtleneck and a pair of wide-legged, floor-sweeping black trousers for a museum function on the Upper West Side or cinched around a simple black backless column gown at an inaugural ball at the Mayflower.

Or, if its lining is as luxe as I assume it is, this piece of outerwear could very well serve as the ultimate - and only - complement to my pick-him-up-at-the-airport dream shoe.

Best non-black dress of 2007

I wish I could start this post by mocking how uncomfortable Hilary Duff must have felt on TRL yesterday afternoon when she was guest-hosting and found out on the air that her ex-boyfriend and current Nicole Richie flame Joel Madden was performing, but you know what, truth be told, I like Miss Duff. I always have, even when she wasn't a size-2 brunette and even before I found out she was still a virgin.

So instead of subjecting the questionably talented but ever endearing singer/actress to a series of snarky put-downs, I'm going to focus on this gorgeous strapless nude Vivienne Westwood confection with structured draping at the neck and hemlines she wore to the 18th Annual Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Media Awards last night at the Marriott Marquis Hotel in New York City.

I'm not at all convinced Hilary's petite 5'1" frame and middling A-cup are the ideal height and chest size for maximizing the elegance and sexiness of this dress, but as I do with most Hollywood fashion statements, I tend to remove the actress, singer or gold-digging opportunist from the equation and instead imagine the ensemble on yours truly.

I'm also removing from my fantasy the tacky Beyoncé-esque accessories Hilary('s stylist) has chosen to complement her dress. The frisbee-sized enamel with inlaid diamond hollowed hoop earrings, stack of diamond bangles and pageanty Miu Miu t-straps with crystal adornments take her from what could have been a young Diane Lane to a trying-to-hold-on-too-hard-to-her-20s Goldie Hawn. In short, all that bling, ironic as it may sound, cheapens the sophistication of the dress.

I do approve, however, of the rock star bangs with low ponytail and her pillbox Leiber clutch, both of which are understated, unique, and add a dose of youthful texture to the overall look.

Let Nicole have him, sweetie, you've got the dress -- you win.

If I forget to tell you later...

...I had a really good time blogging today.

Sorry, I just had to include an allusion to Pretty Woman on my first day. For those of you who know me well, you've already heard more than you probably cared to about my everything-in-life-comes-back-to-Pretty-Woman theory. For those of you who haven't heard of it, well, Christmas might just come early. Cross your short black-nailed fingers, and you might just get lucky.

Speaking of black nails, did you see that OPI just released their own black polish - Black Onyx - to rival Chanel's nearly extinct Black Satin? I scooped up two bottles on Wednesday ($8 each at PIAF Salon) -- better hurry before they're all gone!

Oh wait, I just remembered I live in Washington. No one here gives a Stuckey about emulating the enduring style icons that are Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff.

Hmpf.