A SERIOUS JOB IS NO EXCUSE: Agent Provocateur

When I heard a few months back that indie actress Maggie Gyllenhaal was to replace the hotness that is Kate Moss as the face of British lingerie boutique Agent Provocateur's print and online adverts, I thought for sure the media outlet was in the midst of an opposite-day exercise or had accidentally printed "Maggie" instead of "Eva" and "Gyllenhaal" instead of "Mendes."

I mean, I just couldn't wrap my head around why anyone would want to see this chick sporting nipple tassels and a quarter-coverage bustier lying oh-so-suggestively atop a plush velvet settee with a riding crop and a pair of Louboutin peep-toes casually discarded to her left and right, respectively.

I know I speak for both of us when I scrunch up my face, shake my head and put forth a resounding, "Eww, no."

Selecting an individual to represent a particular brand is a tricky task in that the person who is chosen must not only bring with them a style and a lifestyle consistent with the brand's existent reputation but they must also contribute an air of mystery, something that causes the reader to stop, tilt their head and think, "I don't quite know why, but she makes me want to own that."

In short, everything the marriage of Agent Provocateur and Maggie "Birkenstock" Gyllenhaal is not.

AP is a store filled with showpiece lingerie. No bra, even when it's deeply on sale, costs less than $100, and no panty, thong, boyshort, tanga or tap pant would make it anywhere close to the "sensible" side of your underwear drawer. The women who shop at this purveyor of the boudoir fantasy are either celebrities, the very wealthy or the more modestly well-to-do who are looking for that one special set for that one special night. This last group, the group into which I will one day fit, is the group that will suffer most from the AP-Maggie-G. mismatch. We're the ladies who need the ordering process, from the online browsing and aaaah!-inducing zoom-ins to the over-the-top high-quality packaging, to be magical, seductive and everything Victoria's Secret was poised to be back when we were 14 years old and Stephanie Seymour in a lavender balconnet and matching hi-cut brief was the height of female gorgeousness. We as hesitant customers - and AP as well - need this process to be uninterruptedly perfect, because in order to make it to the "place order now" prompt, we must keep at bay the conscience that wants to remind us just how impractical and careless a decision it is to drop $250-$300 on something that could be procured elsewhere for a great deal less money.

And nothing is more of a deterrent than seeing something beautiful look awkward, confusing and flat-out wrong in the photo spread. AP co-founder Serena Rees claims the decision to use Gyllenhaal was in large part due to her "non-threatening [look]," a point which is well-taken in each and every one of these photos.

It's my advice, Ms. Rees, to keep these fug-ass pictures of Maggie out of any respectable fashion magazine and a good distance away from any online screen prior to the "Thank you for your order" page, because whether it's a man or a woman purchasing your underpinnings, I'm pretty sure they want to see a face and body that conjure up the idea of the ultimate female fantasy, not a could-care-less hipster and definitely not "SherryBaby."

For more of this pseudo-sultry granola mess, see below: