03 December 2007

I aim for a 'C' on the dress pump bell-curve

Before you read on, please to understand that what I've written below is purely opinion driven and that my intention is not to move you away from the extreme ends of the closed-toe dress pump bell-curve toward those in the middle - i.e., the ones I favor - but rather to introduce those women who aren't familiar with the full 11-shoe spectrum to all the options available to them.

Okay, upon re-reading what I wrote, maybe I have a slight agenda.


Square toe
My first thought: "Wearing a cute shoe is not something she cares about."

Pointed-square toe
My first thought: "Turn and look away, Johanna. Don't stare, don't stare."

Rounded-square toe
My first thought: "Not my taste, but if the heel's tall and thin or they're these, I might take a second look."

Rounded toe
My first thought: "Prim and ladylike. Love it."

Rounded almond toe
My first thought: "She has a quiet, modest style about her. I like it."

Almond toe
My first thought: "Perfect. Sexy but understatedly so."

Pointed almond toe
My first thought: "I bet she's popular in her office. With the men, of course."

'Prick'-point toe*
My first thoughts: "Ooooh, where did she get those?" quickly followed by, "Darn it, how come they're not mine?"

Pointy toe
My first thought: "Typical, pedestrian Hill staffer shoe."

Super-pointy toe
My first thought: "Aiming for sophisticated, achieving outdated severity."

To-the-extreme pointed toe

My first thought: "Ridiculous, ugly, silly, Italian."

Sorry for the lack of in-depth analysis in this post, but as you can see, I only had one hand with which to type this up yesterday. Expect a more thorough breakdown later this week.

*I use 'prick'-point to describe this type of shoe, because unlike the traditional pointy styles, this one comes in at a wider, 75-degree angle, points quickly and ends quickly -- just like a 'prick'.


Anonymous said...

the first two and the last two make me sad.

laura said...

My favorite part about this post? The Hogwarts T-shirt.

My initial instinct would be to have you in my House, Gryffindor. But there's just something about you that screams "Ravenclaw."

(At your cattier moments, Slytherin.)

C said...

Bah. You'll never take my square toe black leather boots or my pointy toed black leather BCBG 'letos. Just like Jesus, you have to love me anyway. ;-)

brown rowergirl said...

Slytherin. Definitely Slytherin. *And* having an on-the-side thing with Severus.

Could totally see it...

intern in the city said...

those last two make my toes cry. ouch!

K said...

Sadly, many of the women in my office commit much more grievous offenses than you've shown here. Try the first two pairs with lower heels in ugly colors in poor repair.

Hence, I shall keep strapping on the round-toe stiletto mary janes on the regular. Must... rise... above...

N said...

Will you write a post about what shoes to wear with the party dresses? I can't figure out how much toe is appropriate to show in December. Thanks!

cassie said...

I'm so excited to check ASJiNE this morning and find so many weekend posts! I hope you're heading back in that direction :)

Johanna said...

I admit, ever since Alan Rickman was cast as Snape, I've wanted to be in Slytherin. I've had a crush on him since the bad Robin Hood movie:

"You, my room, 10:30. You 10:45, bring a friend."

Remember that voice? Yum.

Jennifer said...

Can you please tell us the designer of and where we can buy the Rounded Almond Toe?

If you do, I promise to purchase them at once and retire my Super-Pointy Toes.

For reals, I've been looking for shoes just like that forever.

Johanna said...



happy shopping!

etcetera said...

i realize how painfully boring my shoes are. sigh... i need help. mostly in the form of a paycheck.

Anonymous said...

The 'prick' point pumps = foreplay

Alan Rickman's voice = sex

'prick' point pumps + AR's voice = the vision in my mind is too NC-17 to share

big fan said...

You really are clever, you know? Just as I saw you trash the shoes I'm wearing (next to last on your list) and as I'm about to write you a "how dare you?" comment, I come across that adorable photo of you and the half asleep Montesquieu. How can I possibly be angry now?

Very very clever, Johanna.

erika said...

have you seen the prick-point shoe come in anything other than a platform? I love the look but I'm not sure I could get away with a platform pump in my office. thanks!

p.s. I'm getting a puppy for Christmas from my boyfriend, and a JRT is second on my list!

dc lawyer said...

I would probably opt for flip-flops over the first two pairs. They just scream clueless homemaker pumps to me.

Anonymous said...

etcetera, you don't need a lot of money to have cute shoes. zappos.com, shoes.com and dsw are your holy grails. and the more you spend at dsw, the more coupons you get in the mail ;)

lila m. said...

You wore that Mona & Holly blouse to the DC Style event, right? It looks much more sheer here than it did on you. Super cute, tho!

as always, the puppy pic made my day :-)

Christine said...

I also despise the square-toe pump, but those Marc Jacobs that you linked have me drooling!

Anonymous said...

Alan Rickman was one of my first older man crushes as well, but I think I was in my late teens, not 11!

Teek said...

This is the first time you've ever featured an item of clothing I already own, and it's the Hogwarts t-shirt ;) (Mine is purple and sparkly and very very old)

I'm a rounded almond toe girl through and through. Though I gotta say I prefer a moderate point in an ankle boot worn with wide-leg trousers. I know you avoid this whole dilemma by not wearing ankle boots OR wide leg trousers.

okemos pal said...

who makes those pointed almond toe pumps? I've been dying for a new patent leather pump, and those are gorgeous. Crossing my fingers they're under $120!

law student said...

that dog of yours reeks of self-entitlement - just look at that face!

cute on dogs, not on people ;-)

p.s. love the Hogwarts shirt. another dimension to you I wouldn't have expected.

Jo said...

What if it's a knee high boot with a pointed square toe? Does that make it any less icky?

Anonymous said...

where did the round toed pumps come from?

Johanna said...

round toed pumps: http://www.zappos.com/n/p/p/7357992/c/77834.html


Anonymous said...

You picking on Hill staff is getting old. How much time do you spend up there?

Johanna said...

Anonymous 4:15-

Not to be a picky Penny or anything, but I just did a search on my blog for both "Capitol" and "Hill" and the last time I made mention of that part of town (or its worker-bees) was back in April in one of my wardrobe essential pieces. And even then, it wasn't a derogatory statement. Maybe I made a comment, though? Is that what you're referring to? If so, I do apologize, because as you suspected, aside from the occasional work-related hearing, I'm virtually never over there.

sorry to upset you,

Anonymous said...

Should I stop waiting for a post that discusses Jennifer Love Hewitt's recent claim that she's a size 2?

Not saying she isn't cute or anything, but I don't think she's in the single-digit sizes downstairs, if you know what I'm sayin'...

Johanna said...

Are you crazy, anonymous 5:01?

After all the shit I get for pointing out the obvious with Beyonce, I'm certainly not going to touch that one with a 10-foot pole.

I will, however, pass on K's bit of wisdom upon seeing the now infamous bikini pics:

"Wow, the A-line skirt was made for JLH's hips."

bff in chicago said...

Well, if you won't say it, then I certainly will. No 20-something should let herself get to that point, especially not one whose livelihood depends on her looks. She looks like she hasn't touched a gym in eons. There's one thing being bigger and toned (like Beyonce) and then there's being bigger and completely soft like JLH. Maybe she has a thyroid problem, I don't know, but it's a shame to see someone so young and so cute so completely Mom-a-fied.

Anonymous said...

JLH is "in love" so she let herself go. It's easy to eat like a pig and skip the gym (aka rely solely on "sexercise") when you are in a serious relationship. I say good for her! I have a feeling we will see her back in better form shortly.

size 10 and gorgeous said...

If you don't disagree with your "bff" I'm going to assume you and she have the same opinion on this matter.

Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves. She looks amazing in a bikini, and you're just jealous that you don't have a body as voluptuous and womanly as she does. In all honesty, I'd cry harder if I was stuck with your bony boy body than if I had Jen's curves. Maybe that's why you have all this time to blog instead of having a relationship with a man. Because what man would want a hipless boy with a boycut? I showed my husband pictures of you, and he said he thought you were a 5 out of 10. Just thought you should know.

Rest assured, this will be my last comment. And visit.

Size 10 and gorgeous

Anonymous said...

size 10, I've been thinking that very thought for a few months now. It's curious J has so much time on her hands to write, isn't it?

At least *try* not to be so predictable said...

Oh no, Johanna—random girl's random husband thinks you're a 5!

I absolutely love the people who claim "all sizes are beautiful!" out one side of their mouth, then slam skinny people with personal attacks for their size.

Of course she's not reading me mocking her, because she's never coming to play in your sandbox again.

Anonymous said...

Is s10ag serious? Why care so much? And if her husband even said what she says he did, I'm thinking it was just to appease her and make sure he didn't lose sex privileges.

bff in chicago said...

I guarantee you, the bonier you call her, the more gleeful she'll become.

Sorry to start this, but I stand by what I said. Though I do want to apologize in advance to those Moms who've whipped their butts into shape post-child. Clearly, I don't mean *all* Moms are JLH shaped, just most.

Anonymous said...

No doubt, Anon 6:05. I'd love to hear a comment from the reader who shows her husband a pic of Johanna and the dumbass responds, "She's hot. You need to lose 30 pounds."

severedgrrl said...

I'm dying to know where the prick point shoes come from...or the ones with the pewter heels. Thanks!

Johanna said...


I was about to send you to heels.com for the 'prick'-point heels in suede (from Max Studio), but after a quick Google search, I found them in matte leather for half the price here:


I hope the link is clickable, if not, I'll try and repost.

I can't quite remember what brand the metal-stemmed pumps are. Give me a sec to re-find them.


from a guy's perspective said...

all the women in my office wear those pointy things. I dunno, I'm just not a fan. why are they so popular?

lolly said...

A pointy toed office is a step up from my square toed one. I think the men I work with would have a heart attack if I showed up in those platform 'prick' points.

So of course I ordered them in both brown and black - thanks for the link!

Johanna said...


I adore you and I don't want to offend, but anything with a pointed square toe, be it a boot, pump, pootie, is in my opinion - and *for me* - a no-go.

Sorry :-(


sarito said...

from where are each of these shoes from?

LMFAO said...

Size 10,

I'm the last person to disparage someone with curves and I'm so not into the Renee Z./Nicole R. bobblehead look. But JLH is not curvy. She has a sloppy fat ass. She's not really fat, I know. But her ass sure is. Stop using curvy as a euphemism for fat! No one is buying it! And I commend her for being happy with herself. But facts are facts.

Good examples of "curvy" are Kim Kardashian and Catherine Zeta-Jones. JLH's saddlebags are not curves.

Just to be clear, I'm not a weird body-obsessed gym rat, so this post has nothing to do with my own ego and everything to do with reality.

KalinDecember said...

Finally, someone gets it. The super pointy toe is terrible. There's no excuse.

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